Today I battled a mighty creature! A creature born of pure terror, of fear itself, the fright incarnate known as…a spider. What makes the spider so frightening? Well, aside from my arachnophobia the fact that it was the size of a golf ball! That might not seem like much, but imagine a golf ball that can bite you and runs faster than a two-year-old on a mission to break something.
I was just sitting in my chair, calmly minding my own business, as well as my own territory. Then, suddenly and without warning (which is kind of a redundant phrase, isn’t it?), this spider flies out from behind a wall and scurries under my desk.
I immediately go about defending my rightful territory from this base and vile, not to mention venomous, invader by nearly falling out of my chair as I scurry away from my desk.
The spider came out from under the desk and faced off with me, knowing full well that he had me outgunned and outmaneuvered. He was faster than I was (and did I mention more venomous?) and all I had was the shoes on my feet, which I wasn’t willing to take off and throw at him, meaning I had no projectile capabilities.
Breaking through my fears I realized I had another weapon at my disposal. I had a can…of compressed duster air! I immediately grabbed for it, but was alarmed to find it felt rather empty.
I shook it hastily, while the spider taunted me by bristling its giant fangs…or its front legs or something. The can had something left in it, but I didn’t know how much. It might be one short burst, it might be three; I would just have to risk it, I knew!
So I fearlessly engaged the spider, blowing it across the room with a burst of compressed air. It landed on its back, but quickly righted itself, even so the battle was over.
Or was it?! The spider slowly meandered back toward my desk. He had been beaten and yet still he was determined to take my very life, if necessary, to conquer my desk!
I leaped into action again, still risking my finite ammunition stores, and blasted twice more. He fled under a chair, but I knew there would be no safety for my territory as long as he lived. This Osama bin Spiden was out to destroy me, to destroy my territory, if not my very life, itself.
I couldn’t very well tap my own phone line or use overhead cameras…mostly because spiders don’t use phones and the camera above me doesn’t pan or tilt and has about a one-tenth megapixel view.
I had no other choice, I had to go on the counteroffensive and take the fight to Spider Country. I kicked the chair…quickly finding out it was locked in place by the table beside it.
Nursing a sprained ankle (damn that crafty spider and his dastardly booby traps!), I unlocked the chair from the table and kicked it again, exposing my undeterred nemesis. I hit him with two more bursts, possibly my last two bursts, of air from my hand-cannon (which is a way cooler weapon name than duster air canister).
Reeling from the massive assault from my air cannon, I leapt upon him to engage in brutal, grappling, melee combat! The fight was over in mere seconds as he dodged my first blow and parried my second by rolling back onto his belly. But he was too uncoordinated from my air cannon (too subtle that I’m proud of that one?) to wage a viable counter offensive.
My ferocious shoe came down upon him, not once, not twice…but about fifty-six times (y’know, just to be sure), and with that he was quite dead.
~RC
Wait, was that a twitch? Fifty-seven!
Turns out that I’d been the one to twitch, but that’s beside the point. The fact of the matter is that I conquered my dangerous nemesis and successfully defended my territory from a vicious, venomous, and vindictive foe thanks to my vivacious and visceral fighting maneuvers.
~RCS
Okay…maybe not a golf ball, but definitely a kidney bean with legs. A really big, thick, kidney bean…with legs…and fangs…and a handgun, maybe?
Richard C. Shaffer 