My partner recently asked me a silly question. She said, “In a fight, who would win…The Simpsons or the Griffins, from Family Guy?”
Now what made it even extra silly was that we sat down and made a tally for the fight to see who would win. Here’s what we came up with:
First Round: Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin
Peter is even stupider than Homer who at least has some measure of critical thinking, even if he lacks education and common sense at times. Homer also has better physical conditioning than Peter and can jump back up from an injury faster.
Now admittedly, Peter’s fights with the Giant Chicken do show he has some slugging skills, Homer has been seen to take a hell of a beating at times, too. In the end, it would be a good fight, but we have to give it to Homer.
Winner: Homer Simpson, by Split Decision
Second Round: Marge Simpson vs. Lois Griffin
Here’s a bit more one-sided match. Marge is relatively timid, compared to Lois, and easily frightened with no discernible fighting capacities. Lois, on the other hand, has shown some skill and born-talent in unarmed fighting. We have to give this fight hands down to Lois.
Winner: Lois Griffin, by KO.
Third Round: Bart Simpson vs. Chris Griffin
Bart definitely has the advantage here, coming in with a skateboard to beat Chris around with. But being fair, we’ll let Chris summon his crazed closet monkey as a tag-partner. Of course…the monkey hates him, so I guess it would just end up doing more harm to him than help. In the end Bart is more cunning and ruthless, allowing him to win even with Chris’ superior size and strength over him. So we give this to Bart.
Winner: Bart Simpson, by Unanimous Decision
Fourth Round: Lisa Simpson vs. Meg Griffin
Meg comes into this with a distinct size advantage; but Lisa has a definite advantage of determination and intellect. Meg’s greatest asset is her psychotic temper, which instills a fearlessness and impetuous determination within her that just won’t stop. Unfortunately for her, Lisa’s a quick thinker and would be able to destroy her from the ground up. Think the fight between Shikamaru and Temari in Naruto, but without Shikamaru giving up. We’ll give this one to Lisa, but we think it would be a hell of a fight to watch.
Winner: Lisa Simpson, by TKO
Fifth Round: Maggie Simpson vs. Stewie Griffin
This one’s another tough one to really filter through. On the one hand Maggie is smarter and a more efficient killer than she lets on. But on the other hand, Stewie is a confirmed murderous psychopath and is totally ruthless. Even if we account for Maggie’s ambush-style of gun fighting, Stewie would have some trouble at first but would probably eventually come out ahead of things. We’ll give this one to Stewie, in the end.
Winner: Stewie Griffin, by Unanimous Decision
Sixth Round: Santas Lil Helper and Snowball vs. Brian Griffin
Even if we account for Snowball’s ghostly creepiness and cat-like, err–I guess legitimate cat reflexes and claws, in the end Santas Lil Helper and Snowball are just normal animals, while Brian is a sentient and extremely intelligent dog. Brian would win easily, especially since Santas Lil Helper would run away with his tail between his legs and Snowball, as a cat, would snub the fight and probably not even show up. Victory…Brian.
Winner: Brian Griffin, by Forfeiture
Which gives us a bit of trouble, we’re 3 vs. 3. Homer, Bart, and Lisa against Lois, Stewie, and Brian. So we’ll bring in the ancillary characters…
We’ll give Family Guy first pick…we’d most likely see Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland.
The Simpsons could counter with Flanders, Moe, and Barney.
Final Round, Battle Royal:
Flanders, Moe, and Barney vs. Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland
Flanders and Joe are the title match of this fight so we’ll address the under card fighters for this thing, first. Barney and Cleveland are both too timid to engage in the fighting. We’ve seen them both go off the deep end once or twice to about the same extent, so I’d declare this one a tie. Moe and Quagmire, however, are a totally different story. Quagmire has the determination, but not the underhanded debauchery of Moe. Moe would undoubtedly bring his shotgun with him, winning the match…but also disqualifying himself. We’ll call it a no-point.
And that brings us to the title match for the night…Ned Flanders vs. Joe Swanson. Joe’s got powerful arms and a temper, but no legs, at least none that work. Ned is mild-mannered, but in top physical shape. This one would quite possibly be the wildest fight. Ned’s mild-mannered, but as we’ve seen in an episode or two has a breaking point where he becomes a real psycho. I think Joe would work him over pretty hard in the opening rounds, but Ned would eventually come through and win it, albeit narrowly.
That gives us a final score, not counting the two draws of Simpsons: 4, Griffins: 3.