Kids With Badly Chosen Names.

What is with the names parents give their children lately?  Doesn’t anyone have a bad idea filter anymore?  When I was born my parents were going to name me after my two grandfathers Norman and Sylvester, but decided to name me after their middle names; instead for fear of me getting teased or bullied for the archaic names (didn’t help, in the end, but oh well).

At work we’ve got one of those Salvation Army toy donation trees where they hang little tags on the tree with a kid’s name, age, and gender.  You take the tag, buy a gift, and return the gift with the tag attached to it.

It’s a great idea, I wholeheartedly support it.  But some of the names on these tags are ridiculous; particular giving girls boys’ names and boys girls’ names.  Not that I don’t support giving a child the chance to decide their own gender identity and such, but I think Johnny Cash said it best, “Life’s hard for a boy named Sue.”

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Hallo! My name eez Naythan! I am pleased to be your new mail-order wife!

A 13-year-old girl named…Naythan.  Seriously?  In what language is Nathan a girl’s name?

A 10-year-old boy named…Dyan.  Now I’m sure it’s probably supposed to be pronounced Dee-ahn, like Deon.  But if you were a substitute teacher, or a classroom bully, you’d look at that name and say, “Diane?”

Naythan, I’d like you to meet my son…Dyan.

Those are the worst offenders on the tree, but it got me thinking about other stupid names parents give their kids.  For instance, my elder siblings and I went to school with a set of three sisters.  The eldest was named Heaven, the middle one was named Destiny, and the youngest one was named Chastity.  And as you might expect, Chastity had her first child at 16, because she was a hard-partying slut.  Her conservative religious family was very upset by it, I’ve heard.

Which brings me to a new motif my fiancé has told me about.  Where she works (in retail services) she has come across no less than four occurrences of the name Neveah.  Yes, that’s Heaven spelled backward.  Four occurrences of it in a town with a population of five thousand in two months’ time.

I’ve heard stories of a family who liked ramen noodles so much they named their daughter Toprameneesha, that is…Top Ramen Eesha.  Another good one I’ve heard of was La-a, which I would pronounce La-Ah!  But her parents claimed, “It’s pronounced La-Dash-Ah!”  No, no it isn’t…learn to spell.

A colleague of mine was pregnant and when she found out it was going to be a boy, she decided on a name…Destinasia.  She said she mixed Destin, a form of Dustin, and Anastasia.  What in the hell made her think that was a good idea?  Her defense was that she’d just call him Destin for the most part, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to be called on by his teacher as, “Who can tell me the answer to number three?  Hmm?  Destinasia?”

And just so you don’t think I’m picking on Black people for weird names, there are plenty of stupid white names out there, too.  Look at my niece, for example.  My sister couldn’t decide what to name her second daughter, so she let her first daughter (who was about 4 years old at the time) choose her name.  The elder sister was becoming fast friends with her cousin, Becca; so she decided to name her new younger sister ‘Becca’.  Dooming the poor girl to be known around the family as ‘Little Becca’ for the rest of her life (seriously, we already have two Gregs and they were known as ‘Big Greg’ and ‘Little Greg’ their whole lives).

My fiancé’s whole family is a derivation of Robert.  There’s her brother, Bobby, her uncle Bobby, her uncle Robby, her grandfather Bob, her cousin Robert, and her grandfather Bobert.  Okay, the Bobert one’s not legit; I just like making that joke in fast succession… “We’ve got Robby, and Bobby, and Robert, and Bob; Ribbett and Bobert!”

Always reminds me of the comedian Juston McKinney talking about his name, “My Dad thought he was funny; ‘you were born just on time; get it?’  No it’s not funny, it could have been ‘just in time’ and it would be the same joke!”

~RCS

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Caitlin
    Dec 04, 2012 @ 19:31:53

    I was raised with this: “Always think about your kid once they hit “K-12″ grades. If you think that someone might misread it or you fear you’re kid is going to be bullied…then scratch that name off the list and pick something else.” …But you know, that’s common sense. Something I really fear these people lack, actually most people lack (let’s be honest).

    The quote is not exact because of the three thousand spellings of my name. My parents also mentioned to have something easy to spell…and yet they give me this name.

    Reply

    • Dickjutsu
      Dec 05, 2012 @ 03:53:51

      Yeah, always reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live skit where Kevin Nealon plays a soon-to-be father and he’s discussing with his wife what they should name their future child. They go through dozens of names and he doesn’t like any of them. Finally she suggests Theodore. He goes…”Theodore, hmm? Lets…Teddy, Ted, Tad…Tadpole? Nope, no way, they’ll call him Tadpole in school!” Just then she asks him if he was teased a lot in school and he refutes the claim.
      Then a UPS guy (played by Rob Schneider) rings the door bell and when Kevin Nealon’s character opens the door the UPS guy goes, “Hey, I got a package for Asswipe Jones! Is there an Asswipe in here?”
      Nealon corrects him, “It’s pronounced Ahz-weep-ay; my parents were really into French literature.”
      The UPS guy hands him the package and the sheet to sign for it with a smug grin, “Yeah, okay; whatever Asswipe.”

      Although spelling, like you also mentioned, is another thing entirely. I’ve seen for your name alone…Caitlin, Caitlinn, Caytlynn, Katlynn, Kaitlynn…any number of Ns, Hard Cs or Ks; AI, Y, or just a lone I. But it’s okay, I get the same thing fomr my last name. It’s spelled Shaffer. I get Schafer, Schaefer, Schaffer, Shafer, Shaefer…ungh!
      ~RCS

      Reply

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