Twilight Books?

I’m sure some of you have heard about Stephanie Meyers’ Twilight series of books.  I’m sure of this because they are some of the highest grossing movies in the last decade, and some of the best-selling books in the last century.  I’m glad that young girls are moved to actually read something besides Facebook and Cosmopolitan for once, but they certainly could have picked something a little better than Stephanie Meyers; really.

Let’s start with the subject matter: Vampires

Ms. Meyers has admitted she wrote the book without actually even knowing the basics of vampire lore.  She just knew that vampires drank human blood and that they didn’t go out into the sunlight.  She naturally figured the sunlgiht thing must be because they live amongst us and sunlight makes them sparkle and gives away their true form as a vampire.  Except that, since this isn’t the real lore, everyone would just think that Edward (the main male protaganist for those who aren’t familiar, y’know both of you) was wearing glittery concealer.  The real lore is that sunlight kills vampires.

Now I’m not one to bat down someone’s attempt to go against the grain, like making Dwarves as tall as regular humans and lithe like elves (especially since the tiny gnomish Dwarves of Tolkien are actually a Meyers Dwarf, since Dwarves in actual Nordic tradition were usually just dark-skinned elves or the like).  But if you’re going to use something readily available inmost peoples’ vocabulary of common lore, you should stay a little more truthful to the source, I think.  If you’re setting your story in a Tokien-like universe, don’t make tall, lithe dwarves.

At one point Bella (the main female protagonist, for you two, again) uses her knowledge of vampire lore to determine that Edward is, in fact, a vampire.  This means that vampire lore exists in this world, which makes it somewhat Meta.  Look at most Zombie movies.  Before the zombies started showing up, they didn’t exist in that world.  Only a few zombie movies are Meta, in that zombie stories existed when the zombies appeared.

It doesn’t help that the books were written by such an untalented writer.  I don’t think I can sum it up any better than Stephen King, himself:

“The real difference is that [J.K.] Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn.  She’s not very good.”

Another good one by Stephen King is about the message of Twilight, compared to Harry Potter:

King

Except that the quote was actually made by Andrew Futral, not Stephen King; or maybe by Robin Browne…hell I don’t know anymore.  Either way it’s a good quote!

As if the books weren’t bad enough with their sub-par writing and piss-poor message, we add in the ham-handed movies with piss-poor acting, too.  So in the net few sessions we’ll be skewering the Twilight series.  Message, acting, everything.  Today we’ll concentrate on the message with a bit of a Photopost…

I"ll just read my own book, thank you.

I”ll just read my own book, thank you.

And you know I don't often have good things to say about Disney!

And you know I don’t often have good things to say about Disney!

Yup.

Yup.

Can't blame him, I suppose.

Jail-bait bitches be trippin’, yo!

Finally!  A good use for the book.

Finally! A good use for the book.

So that's what that movie was all about?  Makes sense now.

So that’s what that movie was all about? Makes sense now.

My fiance thinks this would actually make Twilight semi-readable.

My fiance thinks this would actually make Twilight semi-readable.

RIP, Jerry Nelson!

RIP, Jerry Nelson!

Seems legit.

Seems legit.

Next time we’ll go into more detail about the movie…

~RCS

Although if you want to watch the movie before our next session, try this fancy drinking game:

293772_405395079489951_205344452828349_1469799_366429195_n

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. MacJew
    Jun 15, 2014 @ 20:22:42

    That Stephen King “quote” isn’t really Stephen King. It’s a guy name Andrew Futral. You can find it here: http://andrewfutral.tumblr.com/post/141911450/i-am-currently-reading-twilight-because-i-dont

    Reply

    • Dickjutsu
      Jun 15, 2014 @ 23:32:26

      Yup, I know. As a matter of fact I stated as such and even linked to the same post you did in my article. And as a matter of fact, Andrew, himself stated that he was actually quoting someone else named Robin Browne (in the article we both linked to).
      “Except that the quote was actually made by Andrew Futral, not Stephen King; or maybe by Robin Browne…hell I don’t know anymore. Either way it’s a good quote!”

      So whoever said it, they’re right is my point. 🙂

      ~RCS

      Reply

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