Last Stand at Theater 12

No this isn’t an insensitive comment about gun control or Colorado; I went to the theater for the first time in over a year.  Not because of any ‘getting over fears’ bullshit, I was actually just bored and hanging around the local town with my fiance.  I had a few errands to run: Had to stop by work for some new gear, had to get my fiance’s working schedule for next week, had to…uhh…well no that was pretty much my entire day.

We left the house at around 3 pm and were done with all our errands by 6, plus we got about a hundred tokens and played for an hour or two at the local Chuck E. Cheese.  My fiance got a pair of inflatable snake swords and a twizzler, which made her day, and we walked out into the cold to decide what to do next.

Before I go into anything else though, during our errands run we stopped at Subway to get a sandwich because I’ve been hungry for Subway for the past two months and we haven’t managed to arrange ourselves to get to one while it was open that whole time.  While we were there a guy with a pretty hyper kid came in and sat at the table across the doorway from the booth my fiance and I were sitting at.

My fiance got up to use the restroom and shortly after the kid’s father got up to do the same.  As soon as his father was out of sight the kid turned, looked at me, and said, “Hey, mister!”

I looked at him and he pointed to the empty seat across from me where my fiance had been sitting, “Who is that you’re eating with?”

“Her?  That was my fiance,” I answered the kid.

“Oh?  Ohhkaay,” the kid seemed heart-broken to learn that the woman with me was taken as he sulked back into his chair and turned away from me.  The kid’s father came back and gathered the little boy up and as they went to the door the kid waved at me and said, “‘Bye.”  I returned his salutation and the two of them left.

It was kind of cute.  I still don’t want a kid of my own, but that was a cute conversation with the boy.

So anyway, back to our egress from Charles Edmond Cheese’s funhouse.  We decided we didn’t want to head home, yet, but were at a loss for what to do.  Normally in a case such as this we would just troll around Wal*Mart and play in the toy section.  But we’ve done that about three times in the past two weeks and each time we walked out with between $40 and $70 worth of stuff.  So we wanted to avoid spending that much money.

I suggested giving the theater a once-over and see if there was anything playing that we might be interested in.  She decided against it because she didn’t want to spend a lot of money.  I replied, “It’s like $9.00 a ticket, two people…maybe some popcorn and a drink…I doubt we’ll spend the $70 we’re going to spend if we go to the Wally World.”  Wally World being a euphemism for Wal*Mart for those only barely paying attention.

So we decided to hit the theater and went in to see what was playing.  Unfortunately Rise of the Guardians and Wreck-It-Ralph were already done showing for the day, but Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new comeback film The Last Stand was going to start in about 30 minutes.  We decided it was a pretty good thing to see, if for no other reason than my point of, “Every dollar spent on the new Schollwenpecker movie is one more dollar toward keeping a Republican from running for office, again.”  Schwollenpecker being a euphemism for…oh hell you know what I’m talking about by now.

So anyway we went into the theater and got two tickets for the Schlongenporker movie, which they had a Tuesday discount so that was only $14 between us.  A five dollar drink and a large popcorn later and we’d spent less than 30 bucks for a few hours of excitement.  And I must say that the movie was actually much better than we both expected.  I figured it would just be mindless explosions and paper-thin characters.  Some of the characters were actually pretty nuanced (at least for a modern action movie, especially a Schwartzisanigger flick) and the action was pretty sensible.  Characters shot with small-caliber guns fell over, rather than fly fifty feet; although the good guys could take about fifty shots as long as it wasn’t to the heart or the brain and the bad guys died if they stubbed their toe hard enough to draw blood.

I’d suggest the movie, especially if you’re a fan of Schwarimasnacker (like me; I can recite the entire the script of Terminator 2, Predator, and Commando).  Speaking of which there’s a few throwbacks to old Schwartzen…no, uhh, Scwhar…?  Umm.  Hell!  Old Arnie flicks!  Like Luis Guzman telling a woman to, “Get to da diner!” and one of the bad guys facing Arnie down while saying, “Who da fuck are you?” which seemed like a pretty soldi reference to Predator’s ‘What da fuck are you?’ line shared by Arnie and the alien warrior.  One of the finer points of the character development include an alcoholic former soldier, probably suffering from PTSD symptoms, as the resident Otis of Arnie’s jail.  It’s not immediately obvious and his inclusion of his war record is a little ham-handedly acted, but it’s a nice twist to the drunk character.  Johnny Knoxville plays a pretty good weirdo, too.  A gun-nut who carries a Teddy Bear and wears pajamas, a Samurai kabuto helmet, and a medieval shield to a gun fight.

We’ve decided to try to make a regular thing out of it, because the seats in our local theater are really comfortable, the prices really aren’t that bad (our $5 drink was like a 50 ounce Sprite, which I’m sure would piss off the Mayor of New York), and it gives us something to do on our days off.  So expect some movies reviews in the coming weeks or months, maybe.  Who knows?  My theater habits went like this: X-Men (2000), 1408 (2007), Zombieland (2009), and now The Last Stand (2013); so I’m not exactly a videophile or whatever habitual theater-goers are called.  Oh right that’s what they’re called…teenagers.

Are they even watching the same movie?

Are they even watching the same movie?



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