Comic: Psycho’s Creed

I mentioned in my Assassin’s Creed III review that its main character, Connor, was a little bit different from the past protagonists of the AC series.  And that difference is Psychopathy.

You see each of the assassins fights a little differently in the games, this can be seen most closely shotgunning AC III right after AC: Revelations.  Altair seems to be faster and, surprisingly, more stylish than Ezio with some of his manuevers; utilizing a few flying thrusts.  But Ezio kills like a true master!  Where Altair hacked his saber into a soldier’s shoulder, Ezio thrusts his saber between the links of a man’s armor and guts him eloquently.  You could argue that it is because Altair was fighting plate-armored crusaders and Ezio is fighting leather-clad Italian barons, but that’s all beside the point.

We come all the way to the New World and find Connor, who bears the real name Ratonhnhhaketon (Ra-doon-ah Gah-doon).  Well Ratonhnhhaketon is not your average Assassin, he does not live solely for the order like his ancestors and forebears.  No, rather Ratonkatruck finds himself quite tri-polar, switching sides between the Mohawk, Assassins, and Colonials randomly throughout the game.

First he’s all like, “I must ruthlessly murder the Templars, because I am an Assassin.”  Right up until he kills a few and finds that they were actually doing positive things.  Then he decides, “I must aid my colonial comrades to beat back a tyrannical government!”  Right up until he finds out that his tribe is about to be wiped out because the local Native Americans have sided with the British in the war.  Then we take some time to go back to, “Kill the Templars, because one of them is responsible for my mother’s death.”  Until we discover that he actually isn’t, and then it becomes, “Well…kill that particular Templar anyway, because I’ve spent my whole life fixated on killing him and really don’t know what else to do with myself.”  The only thing for certain on Connor’s mind is, “Anyone wearing red is the enemy!”

Oh no!  Take off the flannel, Granny!

Oh God! Put it back on, put it back on!!

Throughout the game though he kills British Regulars, Scottish Grenadiers, and Hessian Jagers, all adorned in red, of course.  He also kills black-clad templars, colonial soldiers in blue, and even bashes or chokes out a few of his fellow Mohawks.  And that’s not even the real issue; what’s really messed up about Rowdycartoon is the way he kills people.

Whether it’s using a hatchet to slowly and methodically slash a man’s throat, or wrapping a trip-mine to their foot and then pushing them, or shooting an arrow directly into their eye at point-blank range, he never really gets across the proper way to use his tools.  He finds fault with killing enemy soldiers, especially those who have surrendered, in the cut scenes…but then he doesn’t use the snare items to bind their wrists and leave them incapacitated…no he strangles them.  Raedawnchong wraps the cord of the snare around their neck and pulls them over his back, much like Agent 47 of the Hitman series does with his garrote wire.  Except that Agent 47 tugs on the line a bit to snap their neck and kill them as quickly as possible and Rancidspittoon rolls them over his back and just squeezes the line so that they struggle and gasp until they finally succumb to sweet, sweet, death.

One of his counter executions actually has him drop an enemy to his knees, point a rifle at his opponent, force the man to beg for his life…then shoot him in the face at point-blank range.  Another has him trick a man into shooting his own comrade, then he jams a rifle bayonet into the poor schmuck’s ballsack.

Cartman would not approve of the dick-stab.

That being the case, I commissioned my artist friend, Kim Samson (she’s the one who drew Dick Lee for those who are familiar with the anthropomorphic penis on the right side of the page) to draw me a little comic about Badonkadonk’s psychotic behavior.  I hope you enjoy her artwork, my writing, and a free advertisement for an Ubisoft game.

Art by: Kim Samson



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