Pulled Over And Not Tested?

So last night the wife and I were driving home from getting some shopping done and we decided to hit one of our favorite spots to eat: Applebee’s.  She had chicken and shrimp and I had a 9 oz steak and we shared a dessert.  Including tip, and drinks, it was under $40; not a bad set, especially since we had some leftovers for breakfast today.

But let’s go back to those drinks I had mentioned.  She had the Mango Lemonade and I had a cup of tea.  Neither of which is boozy.  So skip ahead a few minutes to when we’re driving home and I see flashy-lights behind me.

Uhh, not that kind of flashy lights.

Yeah, something a little more like that.

So I pulled into the next parking space and proceeded to make an ass out of myself to a kindly police officer.  Being in the industry I work in and the industries I work alongside, I generally have pretty congenial pull-overs; I know the proper protocols, I know the questions, I know the responses…I know when to reach for things and when to sit still with my hands on the steering wheel knowing that I’m also a paranoid psychopath that often has a small armory in my vehicle.

So question 1 that I failed at, when he saw my concealed carry permit:


“Do you have a firearm with you?”





“No, sir, not on me.”




“Do you have any other weapons in the vehicle?”





“…I, uhh, I…don’t think so?”





“Well look, you either have a firearm or you don’t, and it’s kind of important to me what the answer to that is.”



Now the issue here is…we had considered wearing our costumes to Applebee’s.  And as I mentioned in an earlier post, our costumes were that of samurai.  Complete with killer-quality blade swords.  We had debated wearing the costumes with the wooden practice swords, but we had decided to just slum it and dress down.  I was wearing a gray hoodie over top of one of my DickJutsu shirts (which I can shamelessly remind you that you can purchase here).  So finally the correct response…



“No, sir, no weapons on me at this moment.”




Then he explained that he had been following me for a few blocks and that I had swerved past the fog lines on the road.  I can certainly believe it, the lines on that particular road need repainted and it was raining, so I couldn’t even argue since I couldn’t see the fog lines, myself; good on him that he still could.

Now question number two that I failed miserably at:



“Where are you folks coming from?”





“Applebee’s, just had some dinner.”




“Have any drinks, there?”





“No sir, I didn’t.”




Now this failure comes from the fact that my wife was considering trying one of their Halloween seasonal alcoholic drinks.  We talked about her getting it, but she opted not to, because she is a pushover when it comes to booze and she decided she still had things to do and that the drink would put her on her ass for the rest of the night.  So I corrected my mistake…



“Sorry, neither of us had anything.”




Off to a good start!  Regardless, he took my ID, registration, and insurance information and went back to his squad car.  I did violate proper procedures a bit when I rolled my window back up and turned it to accessories to run the heater for a bit, but it was pretty chilly at ten-pm last night.  When he returned I shut it back off and rolled the window down (in that order, because my van is friggin’ awesome and lets me run the door locks and windows for a few minutes after it’s turned off).

During the time he was away, the wife and I had a conversation of our own.



“Do you think he’s going to give you a sobriety test?”















“He might!”





“Woah, what?  Why are you getting so excited?”





“I’ve never been given a sobriety test before!”




Needless to say, I think the cop lied to me.  He came back, returned my stuff and said…



“Okay, I’ve informed you of the reason for your pull-over.  Do you have any questions?”




And a question that I actually answered correctly…so one out of three ain’t bad, right?



“No, Sir; thank you.”




The cop walked away, jumped into his car, and pulled away.  Now like I said earlier, I know the procedures…cops don’t just pull away after a pull-over.  I think he either got a call in and figured I was a small-fry or a hard take (since, I was completely sober) or else he was actually pulling me over for a different reason, that somebody had committed a crime in a vehicle like mine but we didn’t match the suspect’s descriptions or such.  Or he might have just had to poop and was on his way back to the station in a hurry.  Who knows?

Anyway, driving home the wife and I had another conversation on the matter and this series of dialogue came up…


“Why did you get so excited about being given a sobriety test?”





“Because it’s a test that I can ace!”





“You are…so retarded.  You don’t want to get sobriety tested!”





“Yes, yes I do.  It’s a test I know that I can pass!  I have studied for this test for my entire life!”




“How…how do you study for a sobriety test?”





“By not getting drunk.”





“I…never mind.”

Argument Won!  1 point for Male!  New score…Male 3, Female 5,768!


So remember folks, just like W.C. Fields said…


Drive safe, now, Folks!


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