November Dick of the Month: Dr. John Black

Hi again everyone! Rich said I’m doing a pretty good job with my blogs, so he’s letting me help him catch up on Dicks of the Month!


not sure if blogs


Alrighty! Here he is, November’s Dick of the Month…


The nightmare of vaginas everywhere!

This asshole! Dr. John Black.

The nightmare of vaginas everywhere!

Laura thought she was going to have a routine gynecological exam but instead had the traumatic experience of having potassium hydroxide sprayed INTO HER FUCKING VAGINA! You know what that shit is? It’s a chemical in drain cleaner. This shit had a pH level of at least 12. Why in the name of fucking fuck would you ever have that anywhere near where you would be doing an examination on someone?


Pardon my French.

Pardon my French.


And then to make matters worse this so-called “doctor” thought it was a good idea to try to apply a numbing cream to her vagina WITHOUT A FUCKING GLOVE! Then he tries to justify this fucktard action by saying “I hope you’re not offended. I just want to let you know I’ve been married forever, and I don’t have any diseases.” Yeah, not helping.




And if you thought it couldn’t get worse than that, you were fucking wrong. After she went to the hospital they found a plastic cap was behind her cervix. I really have no idea of how that would happen and it’s not explained in the article I read so I’m not sure if even the actual doctors know how that happened.


First I was like this.

First I was like this.


Then I was like this.

Then I was like this.


And to top all this off, due the damage of the potassium hydroxide Laura may have to get a hysterectomy.

So, yeah, Dr. (maybe it should just be D for dick instead of Dr.) John Black is November’s much deserved Dick of the Month. Lets see what you’ve won! You get potassium hydroxide sprayed into your urethra and up your asshole! I feel it’s a fair punishment for all the damage you’ve caused Laura.




October Dick of the Month: Utah Scout Leader Vandals

Have you ever gone out and done something, with wholly good intentions, hoping to make the world a better place…and then caused irreparable damage? We’ve all been there, right? After all, just like they say, “The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.”

Sometimes you say something meant to inspire and you depress a person, sometimes you try to patch a hole in the wall and fall through a hole in the floor, and sometimes you try to make a passageway safe and destroy 170 million year old stone formation.

Such is the case of Glenn Taylor and Dave Hall who were leading an expedition of Boy Scouts through Goblin Valley State Park and they noticed a stone formation near the walking path that they deemed to be very precarious.

They decided it was their duty to knock the precariously positioned rock off its foundation. The problem with this is two-fold:

1. They are NOT Park Rangers; they are not hired, trained, and tasked to take care of the park and all of its territory.

2. They ARE Boy Scout Group Leaders; they work for an organization that has a ‘Leave No Trace’ rule.


The good news is these men got their comeuppance; they were stripped of their status with the Boy Scouts and charged with Felony Mischief charges. They plead guilty to a Misdemeanor charge, instead, so they’ll have some hefty fines to pay.

The fines will go toward putting signs up to prevent other well-intentioned idiots from doing something as stupid as these fellows did.

I mentioned the Road to Hell’s paving before, but do you know what else is paved with Good Intentions? The Road to Dick of the Month!

September Dick of the Month: Bigoted Dickheaded Texan

It’s no secret that I support religious, and non-religious, equality and compassion. Few things in life disturb me like someone who renders an entire religion in bad light just because of a few bad apples in the bunch.  Err, in the bushel I meant to say, of course.  Which is why it agitates me when these damnable Christians do stupid–

Whoops, sorry, almost got ironic there. Where was I? Oh yes, religious intolerance is personally very troubling for me. It is especially troubling when Zionistic Jewish bastards try to control the actions of–

Wow hating an entire group for no reason is surprisingly easy if you just neglect common sense. No wonder Shintoists are such a bunch of incestuous–

That one doesn't even make sense.

That one doesn’t even make sense.

See how silly unmitigated hate against an entire race, creed, color, etc. sounds? That’s why it is so troubling when some anonymous prick put up these signs in a parking lot across the street from a Mosque in Texas:



The consensus seems to be that the owner of the shopping plaza, a Steve Kwon, was probably the one who put the signs up. A worker in the plaza claimed that Kwon was the one to do it. Although Kwon claims it wasn’t him and even tore the signs down, he followed that denial up by saying exactly what the signs said by stating that he plans to have all the people going to the mosque towed; but he did promise to also look out for more signs.

Regardless of who did it, though, is why they did it. Yes, the people going into that mosque shouldn’t take up parking spaces in the parking lot for the shopping plaza across the street; that is an issue that could be dealt with in a similar way, albeit with much more tact. A sign like this would certainly do it…


See? That’s not nearly as bigoted, but gets the same message across. Of course I imagine that a lot of those dirty, parking-space stealing, Muslims go into the shops in the plaza after services. If I were a member of that particular Islamic congregation I would call for a boycott of the shops in the plaza. It shouldn’t take too long to see who supports the local Muslim population when signs saying, “Muslims Welcome!” start popping up in store windows.

So for being an unusually stupid bigot, one stupid enough to plant No Muslim signs across the street from the mosque, you…uhh…Anonymous Bigoted Texan Dickhead, are the September Dick of the Month!


P.S. I’m catching up, slowly, but surely.

August Dick of the Month: Fradulent Home Seller

This month’s Dick of the Month is a little personal.  I’ve talked about the new house once or twice and mentioned that I’d eventually tell you the story behind getting the house.  Well, here it is…

We were in the process of buying a house down the street from our apartment at the time.  The house was decent, it lacked parking and it had a small yard, but inside it was pretty nice looking and it had large rooms with a lot of hand-crafted, built-in furniture like dressers and desks.

Everything was going well; we negotiated on a price and came to an agreement that was around where we wanted to be.  We went ahead with things and had an inspection done, discovering that the furnace didn’t work properly and the water to the front bathroom was shut off.

We stipulated as part of the sales deal that they fix the furnace and finish repairs to the front bathroom.  Finish repairs, you ask?  Yes, they stated when we were looking at the house that there was a minor leak and they were in the process of fixing the front bathroom to stop the leak.

The seller agreed and everything was going along somewhat smoothly, until we were getting close to the date to start signing for loans amount to about $70,000.

With about a week to go before everything is finalized, we find out that the seller is probably sabotaging the deal, because she learned that after she pays off a bunch of debts she won’t have enough money to get her own apartment and will have to move back in with her son after the sale.

She suddenly reneges on the deal and says that she doesn’t want to pay for the plumbing repairs to the front bathroom.

Hmm…I’m beginning to think something foul might be ahoof.

We finally brow-beat her into agreeing to let a third-party affiliate into the house, a home-warranty company, to see if the plumbing repairs would be covered under the included home warranty program.  We brow beat her by pointing out that if she backed out, we could sue her for breach of contract.

So the home warranty company goes in and checks things out and says no, they won’t cover the replacement.  They would cover the repairs…if there was any plumbing left.

That’s right…days before selling us her house…she took all the copper plumbing from the building and scrapped it for extra cash.  Intending to leave us with a house only half plumbed (the kitchen copper had been replaced with PVC years earlier) to make up for having to fix the furnace.

Here’s the problem: We’d already paid $760 in assorted fees and payments to home inspectors, loan agents, and other non-refundable things.

$760 is a lot of money to me.

So I spoke to an old acquaintance of mine, who happens to be a Real Estate lawyer.  He told me to be glad I didn’t go deeper into things, because I’d just spend $2,000 suing her for $800.

She probably would have declared bankruptcy and weaseled out of paying me the $800, anyway.

So, Lady Who Was Selling Me Your House.  You win the August Dick of the Month.


July Dick of the Month: Sean Hannity

The rules of the Dick of the Month say as follows:

“The exception to this rule is if he is a constant dick, in which case he must do something unusually dickish in the predescribed months to qualify.”

As such Sean Hannity is usually off limits, because he’s generally just a bag of warm farts that someone has finaggled into making rough humanistic sounds.

Most of those sounds are, "Fffuuuuck Obaaaaammaaaaa!"

Most of those sounds are, “Fffuuuuck Obaaaaammaaaaa!”

But I’ve decided to go ahead and let this qualify, because it wasn’t just on his show it was in a Playboy interview.  In the interview he talks about President Barack Obama’s childhood habitat…

PLAYBOY: Trump was one of the most vocal skeptics of Obama’s American citizenship. You’ve also said Obama grew up in Kenya. Do you regret saying that now?

HANNITY: But he did grow up in Kenya, and he told The New York Times that he went to a school there and one of the most beautiful things on the planet is Islamic prayer at sunset.

PLAYBOY: Are you fueling the myth that Obama’s a Muslim from Africa by saying that?

HANNITY: I never fueled the myth. How do you come up with this stuff? He did go to a Muslim school. He writes about it in his own book.

PLAYBOY: He did not grow up in Kenya.

HANNITY: He went to a Muslim school in Indonesia, or wherever it was, Kenya. I forget. Now you’ve got me. I think it was Indonesia. I’m trying to remember his biography. It’s going back so long. He admits he went to a Muslim school. It’s on his audiobook, if you want a tape of it—you can hear him say it himself.

Just for the sake of clarity, Barack Obama did live in Indonesia at one point: From 1967-1971.  Obama was born in 1961, so he lived in Indonesia from the age of six to the age of ten.

Now to be fair to Hannity, the liberals say that Obama never went to a Muslim school and that he only went to school in Hawaii.  Except that Hannity’s right, from the age of 6 to the age of ten, roughly 1st grade to 4th grade, he would have been schooled in Indonesia.

Unfortunately for Hannity his point crumbles when you learn that said Indonesian school was St. Francis of Assisi Catholic School of Menteng, Jakarta.  That’s right, that Muslim school he went to was run by Franciscan Catholics.

Ah-ha!  But that was only for two and a half years, the other year and a half he went to a public school in Jakarta.  Sadly for Hannity it wasn’t a Muslim school as it’s a non-religious public school.  Kind of like what American public schools are supposed to be.

"Susie, was it worth the eternal hellfire of damnation?" "Totally."

“Susie, was it worth the eternal hellfire of damnation?” “Totally.”

Now, however, we get to the even more egregious part of things.  Hannity’s a Republican talking head, it’s his job to speak against Obama, so we kind of expect that.  But it’s this line that gets to me…

“[…]school in Indonesia, or wherever it was, Kenya. I forget.”

Yeah, ’cause Indonesia is totally just a city in Kenya or something.  Let me show you a map…


But it’s okay, it’s not like Indonesia is as big as Sean Hannity’s home state (New York) or anything like that…

Oh wait, yes it is.  Indonesia is the 15th largest country in the world.  To put that in perspective, the U.K. is 80th in the world.  And Indonesia is almost 8 times larger than the U.K.

Indonesia has an area of almost 735 thousand square miles.  That makes it larger than Iraq and Afghanistan, combined.  As a matter of fact, if you throw Hannity’s home state into the mix, Indonesia is still bigger.

Just to be a dick, throw New York, Iraq, Afghanistan, and the U.K. into the same place and it could still hide behind Indonesia and Kenya, combined.

So for being an all-around asshole and a racist, xenophobic, hate-mongering failure of World Geography…Sean Hannity, you are the July Dick of the Month!


June Dick of the Month: Katie Couric

Katie Couric is a respected member of the journalistic community.  A big reason the Today show had such good ratings was Ms. Couric; she’s smart, funny, and she worked well with Matt Lauer.

There's that, too.

There’s that, too.

So of course, when she got her own show in September of 2012 she would use it to do great things to further humanity and inform the ignorant masses, right?

Hrm…guess not.

Hrm…guess not.

That’s right, episode 140 was a big expose on how violent video games are what caused the Newtown, Aurora Theatre, and the Columbine School Shootings.  Not to mention the story of Daniel Petric who gunned down his mother and father.  Why?  As Katie’s show puts it, “Daniel Petric from Wellington, Ohio also played violent video games to the extreme, and when his parents tried to take them away, he shot them point-blank.”

Nope, she uses her show to pander to the fear-mongering masses who believe that Video Games are just murder simulators used by terrorists to create emotionless homicidal suburban commandos.

See?  Nobody wants to become that.

See? Nobody wants to become that.

Sure video games can cause violence, but there’s usually alcohol, drugs, or mental instability as an underlying attribute to the violence.  I know me, personally, I’m far less likely to be homicidal if I get regular doses of gaming in.

Gaming, of any kind, reduces stress and helps a person get their mind off of things.  This is why soldiers used to carry decks of cards, chess boards, dice, and the like into battle with them.  While on a prolonged campaign in between murdering countless enemy you can take your mind off the fact that you’re cold, wet, covered in lice, and smell like you just bathed in pig piss.

Even a frustrating game isn’t a waste; when I’m getting my well-armored ass owned trying to take over a castle in Mount & Blade I find myself fuming over the strength of crossbowmen.  But you know what I’m not doing?  Stabbing my boss who keeps firing my decent employees out from underneath me and then blaming me for having overtime every week.  Why?  Because I’m not fretting over my payroll, I’m fretting over fictional crossbowmen.  And since I’m not mentally incompetent, I know said crossbowmen don’t exist.  So once I turn the game off, I have no real worries at the moment because I realize I was angry about something that didn’t really matter.

Video games are a tool that can improve hand-eye coordination, can relieve symptoms of ADHD, can give Autistic children an avenue of communication and a sense of accomplishment, can bring together varied cliques with a common interest, and numerous other benefits.

But Katie Couric is professional journalist, she certainly didn’t commit to actual fear-mongering.  I mean, she talked about the benefits of Video Games, too, right?

Or not.

Or not.

Okay, so Video Games will turn you into a murderer, then.  There’s plenty of people who play video games that don’t murder people.  Surely you can’t think that those people are worse off because they played—

Well fuck you, Katie.

Well fuck you, Katie.

Quinn Pitcock ended his NFL career because of a video game addiction?  Surely it wasn’t because he suffered from Depression and ADHD.  Nope, definitely video game addiction.  Oh, wait, except that he went through rehab for his video game addiction (also for his depression) and still failed on the Seattle Seahawks and Detroit Lions.  But he’s been playing for the Orlando Predators Arena Football team since 2012 where he has 11 tackles, 4.5 sacks, and 1 forced fumble; which is actually better overall than his NFL career of 18 tackles and 1.5 sacks, with no fumbles forced.

So what do you have to say for yourself, Katie?

"I’d say Fuck You, Dick."

“I’d say Fuck You, Dick.”

Oh…damn.  Katie Couric is gangsta.  Good thing I brought backup.

Power Fingerrrr!

Power Fingerrrr!

Katie Couric for your fear-mongering anti-gaming propaganda I hereby declare you the June, 2013 Dick of the Month.


May Dick of the Month: Yiqiang Wu

Earlier this month we had Veteran’s Day (shut up, I told you I’m behind on the DotM posts) and it just so happens that April’s Dick of the Month probably doesn’t celebrate Veteran’s Day.

On April 11th, exactly 7 months before Veteran’s Day a certain New Yorker, Yiqiang Wu was standing in line behind an unnamed U.S. Army Captain in a Walmart in Albany, NY.  That Army officer was Captain Andrew McClure, a 14-year veteran who served in Iraq.

Captain McClure was checking out and Wu muttered something, Capt. McClure looked at him and asked him if he was talking to the soldier or not, Wu responded by flipping him the bird, when the Captain found it odd he asked if the middle finger display was for him, or someone else.  Wu took this as an opportunity to began yelling insults at the Captain for being a soldier and screamed a few more derisive comments about the U.S. and soldiers in general.  He called “American Scum” and told McClure, “Fuck you, fuck your nation.”

Capt. McClure said, “If you don’t like it here, you can always go home,” and then walked away.  Wu then proceeded to chase after the Captain and punch him repeatedly in the face.

The Captain took the defensive and protected himself without counterattacking Wu and as a result sustained a cut above the eye which was treated by paramedics on the scene and afterward the Captain went home.  Wu, on the other hand, went to jail; where he belongs.

Captain McClure was asked why he didn’t fight back and he said, “I had the presence of mind to know that we’re on camera.”

Security footage seems to show Yiqiang Wu (left) assaulting a man in Army fatigues (right) near the checkout area of an Albany  Walmart store.

Welcome t’ Walmart, get yer shit and get punched in th’ face!

Unfortunately for McClure’s assailant, Wu didn’t seem to have the same presence of mind.  McClure continued, “I’m in uniform and I have to conduct myself as a professional and not do anything that would tarnish or embarrass the unit or the uniform.”

Well, getting your face smashed in by an unarmed Chinese* guy is tarnishing the unit and the uniform a bit, I suppose his restraint is admirable.

Wu was charged with 3rd degree assault and the charge will stand as a hate crime, too.  Wu claims he’s schizophrenic and that’s what caused everything, but that he’s not actually anti-American.

Well Mr. Wu, for assaulting a uniformed Veteran for no discernible reason, you are May’s Dick of the Month.


*Disclaimer: No matter how much I look I can’t find any information about Wu’s citizenship, but given his comments I can guess he’s not a citizen, and Yiqiang is a Chinese name.  Hence my assumption that he is Chinese, I’m not just blankly assuming because he’s Asian-looking.

April Dick of the Month: New Zealand Mother

There are some very good parents out there.

Above: The polar opposite of helicopter parenting. See also: Parental Neglect.

This woman is not one of them.  Leaving your infant child asleep in your car while you go grocery shopping is not proper parenting.  Now don’t get me wrong, I think ‘Helicopter Parenting’ is foolhardy and creates overly dependent little sods.  But there’s a difference between ‘Free-Range Parenting’ and ‘Neglectful Parenting’.

This is not even on the border of neglectful parenting.  My former brother-in-law did this to my 6-year-old nephew…my sister divorced him over it (hence the former part).  Judging by the picture the weather wasn’t all that nice, either; probably cold and humid.  The kid could have suffered from some manner of breathing issue and suffocated.  What if something happened and nobody walked past the car to call her?  What if they did call her and she took too long to run back to the car?  What if a Nepiophile came through and busted the window, took the kid, and raped it?

Not to mention the stupid people who stood around and stared, a few of them deciding to call the poor, tired mother who, ‘Just made a bad decision.’  Fuck you, that’s called enabling; you are enabling dangerous, possibly fatal, stupidity.  Innocent people will die because you let idiots be idiots without getting them off the street and out of important positions…like motherhood, or the presidency.

So, for horrific and public displays of parental neglect…Unnamed New Zealand Mother, you are the April Dick of the Moth!


March Dick of the Month: Skateboarding Cad

I’m no big fan of the boy scouts, especially since they’ve been bought out by the Mormons and are just a tool of Christian fanatics, but with the blessing of the government.  However I’m far more lenient to the Girl Scouts, because at least they’re a little more all-inclusive.


I’d much rather donate money to the girl scouts than to some church organization that pays for them to go to some third world country where people are starving and dying of terrible diseases so they can hand out bibles and teach the poor bastards their new ‘civilized’ names.

Some people are a little more unscrupulous than me, though, and are even willing to go so far as to rob Girl Scouts.  Like this unscrupulous fellow here.

That’s right, when the Girl Scouts started tearing down their stand he rolled by and snatched up their bag of cash, totaling about $552.  He’d apparently been milling about for some time waiting for his chance.  In that time he could have, you know…gotten a job and made his own damn money.

I think the best part is how the newspaper called him a cad.  Sometimes having a biased news organization can be a good thing, because this guy should be beaten repeatedly.  If you want to rob something, go rob a bank, or a gun store.

So for being a giant thieving douchebag, you are the March Dick of the Month, Skateboarding Cad!


February Dick of the Month: Restaurant Customer in Houston

This month’s Dick of the Month has a little twist to it.  And no I don’t mean it’s on time.  Not only are we going to highlight someone for being a total dick of douchebag level, but we’re going to highlight another person for being a dickhead of heroic levels.

Because if there’s nothing we like more here at it’s to prove that just being a dick isn’t necessarily a bad thing; but rather it’s being a dick for no reason.  Or being a dick to a person who doesn’t deserve being dicked around.  Also…pie.

No,'s all for the pie.

No, seriously…it’s all for the pie.

Our story begins at Laurenzo’s Family Restaurant in Houston, Texas.  A waiter, Michael Garcia, was waiting on the Castillo family; a family that has a 5-year-old son with Down syndrome.  The family in the booth next to the Castillo’s get up and move to the other side of the restaurant as the father says, “Special needs children need to be special somewhere else.”

This, folks, is someone being a dick…to a five-year-old with Down syndrome.  We, at, do not support such dickery.  Dickery should be used for the good of society, not for ill.

That’s when Michael Garcia, holding at the very least a blue belt in Dickjutsu, approaches the family and tells them, “Sir…I won’t be able to serve you.”

Garcia refused to serve the family, also regulars to the establishment like the Castillos, and they left in a huff.  Garcia has received a bunch of money and cards, he said that people from all over the world come to the restaurant to take pictures with him, and he’s getting ridiculously sizable tips.  All of the extra money he said he’s giving to the school that the Castillo’s kid goes to to support education for special needs children.

This is using dickery for good.  Let’s all be frank, Garcia was a huge dick for refusing to serve the assholes who made a snarky comment about the retarded kid.  But as Commissioner Gordon might say, “He’s not the dick we deserve, he’s the dick we need.”

No, okay maybe Gordon wouldn’t say that, because it sounds like a bad line from a Batman themed porno.

Did someone call for a Dark Knight?

Did someone call for a Dark Knight?

Anyway, the point is that Garcia is a hero of dickery and the father of the other family is just a plain ol’ dickhead.  So, father of the other family who made fun of young Milo Castillo, you are the February Dick of the Month!


And because the Laurenzo’s manager didn’t fire Garcia, we’ll give them some free advertisement for supporting righteous justice.second-logo

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