More Profitable Than Work!

I was heading to work a couple of nights ago to handle an overnight shift because my boss doesn’t understand that if you fire someone…somebody else has to do their job. It’s okay though, this only the second time they’ve done that to me in 6 months, I’m sure they learned their lesson this time, right?
So anyway, I took my fiancé’s car because it was 2am and I’ve got a headlight out. A headlight I can’t fixed because I’m working what feels, like 23.5 hours a day, lately.
I was stopped at a red light and saw a car fast approaching me from behind. I thought, “They’re not gonna hit me are they?”
Ever closer, without losing speed, they came.
“I think they’re gonna hit me.”
And yet still they closed in on me, full speed.
“Yeah, they’re definitely gonna hit me.”

I hope I'm wearing brown pants right now.  Well, whatever they were, they're brown now!

I hope I’m wearing brown pants right now. Well, whatever they were, they’re brown now!

My only option was to run the red light and get t-boned by the tri-axle dump truck coming through the intersection. Or sit there and cringe.
“Yup, they hit me.”

Welcome to my back seat, do you have a reservation?

Welcome to my back seat, do you have a reservation?

Well okay, actually it was more if a short screech followed by a “pash” sound as they just tapped my rear bumper.
I got out and checked the damages. They were in a BMW, I was in a ’94 Toyota Camry. They donated some grill paint to my back bumper, which wiped right off.
No fender crumpling, the trunk still worked, both rear lights were still good, and I didn’t even jolt in my seat.
The passenger claimed fault for distracting her husband by showing him a text. We all determined the damage was superficial, but I wanted to trade insurance just in case.
He said, “Okay, that’s fair. …or could we talk cash?”
I said, “How much cash are we talking?”
He said fifty, I said one hundred, and his wife pulls a wad of cash out. Hands me 5 twenties and tells me the Pearl Jam concert was awesome.
I wasn’t even late for work. Since it was only a 5 hour shift, I actually made more in the collision than I did at work.
Drive safe, folks.

Shorty Shorts #10

I was getting a car insurance over the phone and the lady asked me if there was any accidents or tickets in the past five years.  Of course I had to tell her about this one.

For a summary my fiancé was making a left turn and a woman with no headlights on, driving on a rainy evening, slammed into her without hitting her breaks.  Caught my fiancé right in the back quarter side.

Unfortunately in stating the answer, my grasp of the English language kind of floated away.  Worst part?  It had happened earlier when I told her my vehicle is still owned by the bank, i.e. a lien, and I couldn’t get lien and lease to separate in my mind so I kept telling her my bank is the leense-holder.  Ugh.

So she asked about accidents and I told her, “Yes, last year around June my fiancé was tea-bagged.”


For those who don’t know, the insurance agent did know, the difference between t-boning and tea-bagging can be illustrated by this photo comparison:

Left: T-Bone; Right: Tea-Bag.

Left: T-Bone; Right: Tea-Bag.

Needless to say it took us a few minutes to compose ourselves before I could actually get my quote.  But at least she didn’t just gasp and hang up on me saying something like, “Well I never…!”


Of course, if you’ve never been tea-bagged how do you know what it is?  Oh, right…Halo.

You want some cream with your tea?

You want some cream with your tea?

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