Veteran’s Day 2016

What?  Did you think I’d forgotten about Veteran Day this year?  Of course not…but just like real service members, I also had to work on Veteran’s Day.  And so I didn’t meet my deadline to get this post finished before 8:00am.

The wife and I decided to make a couple comics instead just the usual photo post of military memes.  We hope you enjoy them.  Also happy 241st to my USMC brethren.

I hope everyone, particularly my soldierly fellows, enjoyed Veteran’s Day this year.

~RCS

Flag Folding Rant

Hey folks, I’m going to try to keep this one short, although I make no guarantees.  So let’s get started and for good effect we’ll start on a downer.  My Great Grandfather recently passed away.  He was born in 1917, so yeah…97 years old at time of death; only a few months from 98.

Now, being born in 1917 that means that when World War II broke out he was 24 years old.  He enlisted in the U.S. Army and served during the war.  When I was a child I had to interview him for a school project and summed up his war-time service as, “…pushing papers in California.”  Even so, being a war-time veteran he is afforded certain posthumous honors, such as a flag encasing his casket at the funeral and said flag being folded up and given to his eldest surviving daughter (my grandmother).

This is where the rant begins.  You see, this is the American flag:

In case you aren’t aware there is a very specific way you are supposed to fold it.  It should wind up looking something like this when you’re done:

And handing it to the widow(er) or child of the deceased.

The Army had sent two E-6 ranked soldiers (Staff Sergeants) to oversee the flag ceremony.  For those completely unknowing of how the army works, the ranks only go to E-9.  In order to get to E-6 you must be a good soldier with about 6 years or an exceptional soldier with about 4 years of service in the Army and have an opening in your MOS (your job class).

So we’re looking at between 8 and 12 years of combined Army experience, if not more.  And they butchered the ceremony.  These two dolts had no idea what they were doing.  Here are some basic directions on how to fold the American flag:

Did you read the directions?  Congratulations, you now are more qualified to perform the ceremony than these two Staff Sergeants were!  They started off by putting the blue field on the top and folding it over so only the stripes were showing.  They managed to figure out their error and corrected it, starting over.

They got it all folded lengthwise, then one of them began bringing up the triangle pattern.  He got to the last fold, step number seven on that picture, and they both just stared at each other for a moment, then they just kind of…wrapped the extra over the edge and crimped it tightly in their hands, like it was a piece of paper they could just fold and crease to stay in place.

Is this what the Army sends to Veteran’s funerals nowadays?  Really?  I’ve seen cub scouts fold a flag way better than these two sods did!

Good god, if they had been my cadets, back when I was in ROTC?  I would have made them do it again, apologize to the next of kin both orally and in writing, and then had a flag put in their profiles for the next promotion cycle so they couldn’t go up another undeserved rank.

And that brings me to how poor of a commanding officer they have.  You really send this kind of trash to oversee the funeral of a veteran?  Turn in your stars, bars, leafs, or whatever you don’t deserve to wear and take off the uniform.  Turn it back in to the quartermasters and just leave.  Go someplace unimportant, like Suriname.

Even you couldn’t screw up folding this thing!

~RCS

Memorial Day 2015

As is pretty usual on the real holidays (Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, y’know, holidays that actually matter) we are bringing some solemn humor to DickJutsu.com.  We’ve done it for prior Memorial Day celebrations.  As is common here, we have a photopost full of humorous military memes, jokes, and such.  So let’s get to it.  If you’ve served some of these may hit pretty close to home, if you haven’t…remember that some of this shit is stuff that people who do serve have to deal with.

First a few jokes at the expense of my Army buddies…

 

And nobody can forget the first wave of any war…the Air Force.

 

And we can’t neglect the Navy.  Without them how would the Marines get across the world to win our wars?

Speaking of the good ‘ol USMC…

Okay, so maybe I’m a little biased.  Here’s a few at Marine  expense…

And don’t forget the cute widdle Coast Guard!

So, remember…this a day to celebrate the men, women, and cute puppies that serve in the U.S. Military!

And always remember.  Troops in combat situations love care packages.  Whether they have yummy snacks, a flak jacket that Army budget cuts couldn’t give them, or y’know, the important stuff…

~RCS

Veteran’s Day 2014

I’m sure after a few years of this you all know the drill.  Marine Corps Birthday/Anniversary followed by…Veteran’s Day.  As is usual, we have a Photopost today.  But first, a little something to think about when you’re cheering at a parade or listening to some guy with more stars on his shoulders than brains under his cap give a speech: We are, legally and technically, a secular nation.  We have, codified in our laws, procedures that prohibit the favoring of any religion.  As such, we shouldn’t have any religious holidays be national holidays.  But consider this…

December 25th, an arbitrary day picked to celebrate the birth of Christ by ancient Romans.  There will be no mail sent or received that day.

November 11th, a symbolic day chosen to mourn those lost during the seminal tragedy of the last century, WWI, and a celebration of our soldiers and sailors who served nobly in the armed services.  Mail will be picked up and delivered on this day.

Consider that, on Christmas a soldier can’t get his paycheck mailed to him.  But he can on Veteran’s day.  And how many of you are taking a day off to celebrate the soldiers who protect you from evil, as compared to how many of you will be taking Christmas day off to celebrate a fat man putting overpriced knick-knacks under an aluminum tree?

Priorities.  We, as a nation, need to try to get some.

So without further ado…funny stuff:

What? Gotta have somethin’ to do to keep yourself occupied on those long flights.

This is what it would look like if there were any Buddhist Theocracies in the world.

I…have no idea what I’m doing.

Who likes Short Shorts? The ladies watching the PT group like Short Shorts! Ooh-Rah!

I believe those mustaches violate the uniform code.

Too much time was spent on the details of that glorious penis.

“All I know is it ends in ‘-stan’.” “Oh, yeah, that sounds repressed as shit, let’s liberate the hell out of it!”

Sadly, this still wouldn’t be the weirdest story I’ve heard from Marines.

~RCS

And like I said…USMC birthday…

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

You kill anything that stands against the Red, White, and Blue!

Happy Birthday to you!

Memorial Day 2014

You know what day it is…well actually what day it was yesterday.  You see, in honor of Memorial Day, which honors the troops killed in action in our uniforms, under our flags, to ensure we get nifty things like the internet, buildings that aren’t bombed into rubble, and potable water I played a nifty game called War Thunder.  It takes place in World War II.  It counts.

Anyway, it’s time to honor the troops with funny pictures, like we are wont to do every year around Memorial Day (and Veteran’s Day, and Independence Day, and well…okay so it’s a cheap easy post to make when I’m doing holiday stuff).

First we’ll honor the Army:

Their motto isn’t Army Sane, after all.

Then the Air Force:

USAF, the only branch where ‘bombing’ a test is a good thing.

 

We can’t forget the Marine Corps; Ooh-Rah!

“Oohmf-Rahmf!”

 

And, of course, our friends in the Navy:

Oh Captain, my Captain!

 

Always remember the fierce wardogs that win victory to protect this country from all threats, foreign, domestic, and maybe even imaginary.  To the tanks and planes of tomorrow, all the way from the days of cavalry charges:

And speaking of wardogs, let’s not forget our trusty k-9 companions who keep our troops warm in foxholes and ruthlessly bite, maul, and eat whatever may attempt to harm them.

Rowr! I are the Viking Dog!

But always remember that Memorial Day is, at its heart, a solemn day to remember those who didn’t make it back to enjoy the laughs we share right now.

Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick!”  Soldiers are our stick, they are the reason why we are speaking English without a bunch of unnecessary ‘u‘s and why we have the choice to hang the flag on our porch, burn in a bonfire, or cover a table with it.  Regardless of where the country is, where it’s headed, or what may come of it…the soldiers are the reason we are a country.  We stand on the foundation they have built for us, with their blood, sweat, tears, bodies, and sheer willpower.

~RCS

 

May Dick of the Month: Yiqiang Wu

Earlier this month we had Veteran’s Day (shut up, I told you I’m behind on the DotM posts) and it just so happens that April’s Dick of the Month probably doesn’t celebrate Veteran’s Day.

On April 11^th, exactly 7 months before Veteran’s Day a certain New Yorker, Yiqiang Wu was standing in line behind an unnamed U.S. Army Captain in a Walmart in Albany, NY.  That Army officer was Captain Andrew McClure, a 14-year veteran who served in Iraq.

Captain McClure was checking out and Wu muttered something, Capt. McClure looked at him and asked him if he was talking to the soldier or not, Wu responded by flipping him the bird, when the Captain found it odd he asked if the middle finger display was for him, or someone else.  Wu took this as an opportunity to began yelling insults at the Captain for being a soldier and screamed a few more derisive comments about the U.S. and soldiers in general.  He called “American Scum” and told McClure, “Fuck you, fuck your nation.”

Capt. McClure said, “If you don’t like it here, you can always go home,” and then walked away.  Wu then proceeded to chase after the Captain and punch him repeatedly in the face.

The Captain took the defensive and protected himself without counterattacking Wu and as a result sustained a cut above the eye which was treated by paramedics on the scene and afterward the Captain went home.  Wu, on the other hand, went to jail; where he belongs.

Captain McClure was asked why he didn’t fight back and he said, “I had the presence of mind to know that we’re on camera.”

Welcome t’ Walmart, get yer shit and get punched in th’ face!

Unfortunately for McClure’s assailant, Wu didn’t seem to have the same presence of mind.  McClure continued, “I’m in uniform and I have to conduct myself as a professional and not do anything that would tarnish or embarrass the unit or the uniform.”

Well, getting your face smashed in by an unarmed Chinese* guy is tarnishing the unit and the uniform a bit, I suppose his restraint is admirable.

Wu was charged with 3^rd degree assault and the charge will stand as a hate crime, too.  Wu claims he’s schizophrenic and that’s what caused everything, but that he’s not actually anti-American.

Well Mr. Wu, for assaulting a uniformed Veteran for no discernible reason, you are May’s Dick of the Month.

~RCS

*Disclaimer: No matter how much I look I can’t find any information about Wu’s citizenship, but given his comments I can guess he’s not a citizen, and Yiqiang is a Chinese name.  Hence my assumption that he is Chinese, I’m not just blankly assuming because he’s Asian-looking.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 101-140

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  And in case you can’t wait for my slow pace…here’s 100-140 on the list, and that ends our time together with Murphy’s Laws of Combat.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com.  There’s a few repeats from earlier days on this list, but what the hell, it’s all good.

101. Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.

Warning: Do not stand behind during gunfight!

102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. If orders can be misunderstood they will be.
117. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
118. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
119. Mine fields are not neutral.
120. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
121. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
122. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
123. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
124. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
125. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
126. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
127. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
128. When you have sufficient ammo the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on ammo the enemy attacks that night.
129. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
130. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
131. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
132. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
133. If at first you don’t succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn’t for you.
134. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.

“See? I told you we weren’t gonna hit a rock!”

135. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
136. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don’t.
137. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
138. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
139. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
140. All or any of the above combined.

~RCS

Thanks for coming and thanks for reading.  Monday starts some regular update stuff, expect a politics-heavy one since I haven’t done that in a while.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 61-100

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  And in case you can’t wait for my slow pace…here’s 61-100 on the list, expect the final set tomorrow.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com if you can’t wait and want the rest of them.

61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

“Yo, Boss! Are you positive this is Afghanistan?”

64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
73. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math –> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math –> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

91. All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

~RCS

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 41-60

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  Here’s 41-60 on the list, expect the next set tomorrow.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com if you can’t wait and want the rest of them.

41. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain’t neutral.

46. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

47. Air defense motto: shoot ’em down; sort ’em out on the ground.
48. ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go’.
49. The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren’t.
57. It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Or…yeah, that works, too.

59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

~RCS

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 21-40

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  Here’s 21-40 on the list, expect the next set tomorrow.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com if you can’t wait and want the rest of them.

21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.

23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

24. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
34. Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

~RCS