Encyclopedia Britannica, I Choose You!

I’ve always wanted to own my own copy of a full Encyclopedia Britannica, but I’ve always been too poor to do so.  When I was a kid my mother would never agree to pay the $20 per volume for the 20+ volume set.

Well the other day in Half Price Books I saw something sitting on the shelves above the clearance stuff.  It was a full 29 volume, plus two indexes, and an appendix or some shit!  All 32 books for $40.

be gone batman

But then I saw that it was a 1986 edition.  The ability to own a full Britannica volume from the year I was born?

You know what happened next.

ShutUpAndTakeMyMoney

So, needless to say, I bought the Britannica.

I needed three boxes for all of them.

I needed three boxes for all of them.

1986 edition, Yay!

1986 edition, Yay!

 

Unfortunately now I have to figure out a place to put them.  All my bookcases are full.  I needed to buy a new one anyway, but I was waiting on it.  I’ve got no place to put my purtty books. 😦

~RCS

Stupid Reviews

For those who have been following along for a while you know that I write reviews for games, movies, books, whatever I can weasel material from.  Well, that’s one thing I do, at least.  But you also probably know that I don’t use a regular critic’s format; and that is because I’m not a professional critical journalist.

However even so, I want my opinion to be respected as well thought out, at least.  As such I give at least a rudimentary spell-check and typo hunt of each review I write.  I also try to sound like I have some idea of what I’m talking about and I try to be properly critical of the source material I am critiquing.

So why the hell are there people who write reviews about things they have no idea about, or in languages they clearly cannot speak?  Take this person writing a review for PS3 game Valkyria Chronicles (2008)*:

Shoots1

Okay, they’re being critical of the game and accidentally used ‘shoots’ instead of ‘shots’.  That’s a typo, you should still value their opini-oh damn.

Shoots2

Yeah, nevermind; they’re just illiterate fools.  Then we seal the coffin with this remark on a 1/5 rating for Valkyria Chronicles, a turn-based strategy RPG (Role-Playing Game):

Shoots3

Another comment on the same game, also a 1/5 (keep in mind there are 5 one-star ratings compared to 254 five-star ratings and they all start out with, “How can anyone like this horrible game?”)

Overhyped

Yeah, not only do they have poor grammar, but they’re reviewing a 2-year-old game at that point.  I read their review title and skipped the review.  For sport I went back and actually read it…they cite a few great things about the game saying that the graphics were good and the voice acting is superb.  But they gave it a 1/5 because the story is linear…even after admitting that is pretty standard in this genre of games.  Yup, your opinion is as faulty as your grammar.

Then we just have idiots who shouldn’t review anything, at all.  This is another 1 out of 5 star rater for Valkyria Chronicles:

Benign

So if we ignore the fact that she’s reviewing a five-year-old game, since she doesn’t criticize the graphics or anything like that.  No, she says that the game was touted as a benign RPG, but had ‘children’ shooting guns and throwing grenades.

This is the box the game came in:

Yup, looks pretty benign to me; certainly no guns in this game.

Yup, looks pretty benign to me; certainly no guns in this game.

Keep in mind that the game is a fantasy retelling of World War II; y’know, if Switzerland had huge oil reserves and was invaded by the Axis powers.  Also keep in mind that these ‘children’, at least the main two characters, are 24 and 21 at the start of the game.  So if we assume the game lasts the same timeline as the real war, they’d be the pubescent age of…32 and 29 by the end of the game.  Whoo!  Kids these days, getting’ drafted into World War II and shit, y’know?

*Note: I have not played Valkyria Chronicles, so I am not defending the quality of the game or writing my own review out of any bias for or against the game.  I recognize and readily admit I have no place reviewing it, given the fact I’ve only played the demo.  And even that was 5 years ago when it was first released.

Need more examples of stupid people writing reviews?  Try this reviewer for the somewhat similar X-Box Game, Operation Darkness (2008):

Inventory

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s part of the game’s strategy, not a game-breaking flaw.  Game-breaking flaws would be if you had unlimited healing items, but weren’t able to use them in combat.  Strategy is, “Harumph!  I’ve only got six inventory slots, but I have ten possible items to take, which six should I choose?”  Schmuck!

Or we can move to a game I’ve actually played, and look at some of the 1/5 star ratings for Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009):

Batman1

I’m…not even sure what the hell he’s saying.  No support for the continuation of the game?  This is a review written 4 years after the game came out.  What did he expect from a four-year-old game?  A sequel?

And this one is hilarious:

Batman2

Without going into too much detail if you haven’t played the game…at one point the villain Scarecrow kind of breaks the 4th wall and makes you think your system has crashed.  If you stick with it, it will recover (kind of like the tricks in Metal Gear Solid or Eternal Darkness).  His game works fine, but he’s been shutting it off during that fight, I can almost guarantee it.  Developers 1; Player 0.

Speaking of Batman, here’s a reference to the Arkham games in this 1/5 star review for the new highly acclaimed PS3 game The Last of Us (2013):

What did you expect from a guy named Rapister?

What did you expect from a guy named Rapister?

Aside from the ego, this guy is clearly an idiot.  Arkham Asylum is the first in the Arkham series, Arkham City is the sequel; if you wanted more of Arkham Asylum you would play Arkham City, not the other way around.

Not to mention the horrible grammar and syntax on another “five-star review”.  Douche.

And finally, here’s a rambling review about how some weirdo can’t relate to the characters in The Last of Us:

Dafuq?

Dafuq?

Yeah, his grandfather saw terrible things in Vietnam, I have no doubt of that.  But he saw worse things than the zombie apocalypse?  Debatable.  His grandfather fought communist Asian people, the folks in The Last of Us are fighting deformed monsters and zombies on top of the regular post-apocalyptic psychotic people.

Not to mention, just plain TMI!  You can’t relate to these characters because they’re sensible and normal and you are descended from some real idiots.  Your grandfather got his head stuck in AC unit?  Your father was a great chef, who chopped his finger off and couldn’t cook anymore?  Why do I care what kind of pie your father made your grandfather when he came home from Vietnam?

The whole rambling, shambling thing is just a ridiculous, ‘Look at how terrible my life is!’ diatribe.  Except that the guy’s life really wasn’t all that bad.  His grandfather survived Vietnam, his father was able to afford Chef’s training, they could afford AC in the Vietnam war era; sounds pretty decent to me.  Whines a lot about being Native American, too.  Yes the Native Americans got screwed over pretty bad, but that’s no excuse to whine like an Emo sod about how your whole life is worse than the zombie apocalypse.

~RCS

As a note I looked through the 1/5 star ratings each time, because they have the best examples idiots.

Photopost: Rape Jokes?

If you haven’t heard about Daniel Tosh’s show in an LA Laugh Factory, then you probably don’t pay much attention to the Internet.  That’s probably healthy; but then again if you don’t pay attention to the internet, you probably don’t read this blog anyway.  So I’m going to assume you’re at least partially up to speed on things and won’t harp at you about the long story.

Anyway, Daniel Tosh had a show at a comedy theater and he was apparently making jokes about how rape jokes are funny.  A woman who admitted that she didn’t know who Daniel Tosh was and even admitted that she didn’t like Dane Cook a whole lot, and that she wasn’t really a stand-up comedy kind of person, found fault with his line of jokes.  She heckled him and he heckled back, by suggesting it would be funny if a group of gentlemen within the club jumped her and raped right there.

So she finally did the smart thing and left the theater, demanding her money back and finally getting free tickets that she swore she’d never use out of it.

I’ve seen comedians who said jokes I didn’t agree with.  You know what I did?  I didn’t laugh, and if necessary, I stopped watching said comedian.  Rape is one of the worst things a person can do to another person; it is horrible.  But a well rounded rape joke is hilarious, as far as I’m concerned.  And if you don’t like rape jokes, that’s your right and you shouldn’t be forced to listen to them.  But if you’re in a comedy venue and the comedian is making rape jokes…you’re not being forced to sit there and watch, you can get up and leave any time you want.  Heckling a comedian is never a good idea, it just paints you as a target for his retaliation.  If you heckle the president, you can get handcuffed and beaten; if you heckle a comedian, you get heckled back.  See?  Pretty simple, isn’t it?

My fiance hates rape, it is the worst thing anyone could possible do in the world as far as she is concerned.  Sex is a sacred thing to her and forcing yourself upon a man or a woman is the ultimate sin amongst sins.  But she still laughs when she bends over to pick something up and I trounce up behind her, grab her by the hips, and moan giddily as I thrust the front of my pants into her butt-seam.

We put a video up about it on Youtube.  You can watch it right here, if you wish, though:

And just for good sport, here’s a collection of rape jokes to test whether you are humorously conservative or humorously liberal…

We’ll start off with The Onion’s fake news story about Tosh laughing through his own rape; which in itself is a rape joke.

Man A: “They say that the more sex you have, the better you get at it.”

Man B: “Nonsense!  I’ve raped dozens of women and it always ends with them sobbing.”

………………………………….

“I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.”

………………………………….

An 81-year-old woman was walking down the street when she was attacked and viciously raped by a gorilla.  The police chased the gorilla off after he had his way with the woman twice and took her tot he hospital.  When she awoke she feebly whispered to the doctor, “What happened to that fantastic ape?”

………………………………….

“In a recent survey 9 out of 10 people said they enjoyed group rape.”

………………………………….

We’ll call this my ‘In memory of Ernest Borgnine’ post, too.

Child rapist is such an ugly term…I prefer, pedophile.

Still a better love story than the rest of the book/movie.

I know I’ve used this picture before; but I just can’t help myself. At least that’s my defense in court.

It’s not rape if they vote for you, right?

I’ve tested this theory…it holds true.

In honor of the new release of the Dark Knight Rises.

I don’t know about you, but I laughed at a handful of those.

~RCS

Seriously, though…if you were offended by any of these jokes.  Please don’t rape me?

Please?

Photopost: Animals and a Bitchido Video

Have you seen the movie inception?  It’s all about dreams within dreams, or something like that.  Well our first picture is kind of like that, it’s a dog within a dog…it’s Dogception!

Another little pooch…

I think it's gone now...

Or…maybe not:

Any more room on that lap?

I'm hiding from a spider, what're you doing?

You see what?

Oh, I see them now, too.

And finally we have Nature’s rapists…

Bunny Logic: No means yes and Yes means harder.

One more thing, actually…

I recently made a bit of a blog talking about the somewhat recent re-legalization of slaughterhouses for horses.  Give it a look if you have any interest in horses.

~RCS

Photopost: Superman-Batman, uhh, Yaoi? Maybe?

I never really commented on DC comics doing a total retcon of their entire history and universe.  Well…I still won’t.  Instead I’ve got a two-parter Photopost for you!  Superman enters the Batcave and innocently offers Batman some help with a clothing malfunction.  Here’s the first part…

world_s_hella_finest_by_joteivv1

And stay tuned to the next blog…to see the exciting conclusion to Batman vs. Superman.  The nippley battle of the…aw hell, never mind here’s part two…

world_s_hella_finest_by_joteivv2

 

~RCS

P.S. The artist is Adriana Ferguson.

Fuzzy Bats

A few nights ago my fiancée and I were doing our grocery shopping.  While in the parking lot we paused for a bit of conversation and she saw something curious: A giant bat fall from the sky and slam into the asphalt.

We got out to investigate and found it wasn’t a giant bat…it was two small bats who were connected to each other.  They were mating.  Never having seen a pair of mating bats, we stopped to watch in a strangely voyeuristic fashion.

We watched the bat on top, presumably the male, feverishly pounding the bat on bottom, presumably the female, all while biting her back and pulling on her eyes, ears, and jaw.  And after a few moments we came the same natural conclusion, “I wonder what bats feel like when you pet them?”

We squared off on either sides of the mating bats and watched them even more closely and I offered to let my fiancée pet the one on top.  She fretted over it, “I don’t know how clean bats are.”

“I have hand sanitizer in the van,” I assured, “Plus we can wash our hands once we get inside, if you want.”

“What if he bites?” she continued to fret, pulling her hand back just before making contact.

“I don’t think he even realizes we’re here,” I admitted, “But I’ll go first, just in case.”

I reached out slowly, careful not to startle the creatures, and ran my finger down the top bat’s head and back.  Amazed by the feeling, I exclaimed, “He’s fuzzy!  It’s like petting velvet!”

Unable to hold back any longer, my fiancée reached out and rubbed his head as well, “Oh my god…bats are so soft and fuzzy; you’re right, its like they’re coated in velvet.”

We each petted him a few more times, to which he gave no response other than to continue to viciously ravish the female bat underneath him, before deciding to let him finish his business.

We rubbed our hands down in sanitizer then went into the grocery store, walking away with a new request from my loving fiancée, “Can we get a pet bat?”

I was at a loss, but I did make a counter offer, “I could just buy you a strip of velvet and you can pet that all day long.”

“I wonder how you take care of a bat?” She was in her own conversation now, and I just went on with my business, “Is it anything like a bird?”

“Sure, Hon…hey you want any green peppers this trip?”

~RCS

I wonder if batman’s cape is velvety, too?

The Terrier Of The Night!

I bought the movie Coraline for my fiancée last year for Christmas, but we’ve never gotten around to watching it (she’s seen it, I hadn’t).  So last night we decided to finally watch it together.

The opening is pretty creepy, as are several parts of the actual movie.  But aside from some of the creepy looking creatures in the movie; the movie itself is pretty good.  Graphically it’s your average claymation experience, but the storyline is kind of interesting.

At one point in the dream-like Otherworld, there are Scottish terriers hanging from a ceiling like winged dog-bats.  As the main character, Coraline, walks underneath them she shines a flashlight up and startles one of the dog-bats, before shutting the flashlight off to hide from them.

From out of nowhere my fiancée suddenly says, “They’re the Terriers of the night.”  A play on the phrase ‘terror of the night’.  I almost had to pause the movie, I started laughing so hard.

Even after the movie was over I still found it funny, even though she didn’t think it would elicit such a guffaw from me.  We started making Batman and Darkwing Duck jokes, talking about what would happen if Batman got a caped crusader dog.

Imagine Bruce Wayne calling Alfred into the Batcave to show him his new invention…

 “What is it, Master Wayne?”

 “It’s a little voice box, so that when the dog speaks it comes out in English!”

I’m a dog!

 “Master Wayne!  Is that your voice coming from the box?”

 “Yes, Alfred, I recorded all the syllables for the machine and now the dog will speak in my voice.”

 “…Master Wayne, I think you have spent too much time down here, alone in the dark.  Why don’t we go back upstairs and fight some crime, hmm?”

 “Good idea, Alfred.  Come Batdog!”

I am the Terrier of the night!

~RCS

I am the thing that goes woof in the night!

 

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