DJ Comic: October Holidays Part 2


I don’t think I could ever actually work in customer service.  Maybe if I could zap stupid people through the phone…

My first car was an awesome ’92 Toyota Camry.  It was a really nice shade of purple that I had never seen on a car.  It was so nice and ran so well, I miss it so much!  I was at work one day and a coworker saw my car and called it “The Purple People Eater” and I thought it was funny and it just stuck.

Rich and I actually prefer to go to the park or just go for a walk rather than going to the movies or parties or stuff like that.  So that’s really most days for us.

Only Rich could take something so innocent as reading to the children and turn it pervy.  Although, I would hope that Rich wouldn’t try this, but he can be quite shameless…


Bad Manners Make Good Workers

Notes: This post was written over three years ago, in the early days of this site; but it was scrapped and never posted.  I was working as a fairly low-ranking security guard and has just started working in a new building.  I decided as a little Christmas Treat I would pull it out of the old bin and put it up.  Enjoy!

Yesterday my boss approached me when no one else was around and informed me that the client company we work for had complained about something I was doing.  Always willing to listen to constructive criticism, especially from the folks who sign my paycheck, so I nodded my head and waited to hear what nugget of wisdom would keep me from getting fired.

“The Facility Manager said that she wants you to stop saying thank you,” he told me, “When you page someone on the intercom.  Just say their name and the extension to call, then hang up; they don’t want you to so say ‘thank you’ anymore.”

The look I gave him must have screamed “WTF” because he shrugged and added, “You’re not in trouble, or anything, just something for you to work on.”

He then went on to wax poetic about other weird things people have done over the intercom, like announce personal messages over the PA system.

Mark, your oncologist just called. That growth above your rectum is benign.

Now I’ve had some pretty strange requests in my time in the industry, from one place asking us to lock the break rooms after the production run is over so that workers don’t loiter on the site (in an attempt to prevent job-site vandalism by employees), to being told to make sure no one is in a part of the building…including security (how can I chase people out, if I’m not allowed in?), all the way up to the prize-taker of being told to physically force a drunk female employee to lay down on a couch in a locked office and hold her still until she sobered up (can anyone say Sexual Harassment?).

But really…don’t say thank you?  And now that I have been verbally warned, the next step is a written warning if I say it again, followed by an unpaid suspension, and finally termination.  I have the hope that I can appeal the termination and simply be demoted and transferred to another location.  What if someone told you that kind of deal was in store for you at your new job?  I think you’d say no thank you.


Only in America can you be fired for saying, “Thank You.”


Happy Holidays, folks!  Whatever you celebrate: Christmas, Festivus, etc.

New Years Resolutions?

My New Years Resolution is a simple one…stop losing my blog posts.  And maybe try to keep up with Dick of the Month posts a little better.

Here’s my first step toward my resolution…I finally found the Assassin’s Creed: Revelations review I’d written, which was supposed to go up between the PS3 unboxing and the AC III review(s).

So here it is, in it’s entirety…keep in mind, at the time I hadn’t yet played Assassin’s Creed III and had just beaten Revelation the night before.


Altair is an Arab man beloved by millions of Americans.  He's the first step to ending the wars in the Middle East!

Altair is an Arab man beloved by millions of Americans. He’s the first step to ending the wars in the Middle East!

So, now that I’ve gotten my PS3 opened up and had a bit of time to actually play some Assassin’s Creed: Revelations.  Now, like I said in the unboxing video, I’ve played the original which I fell in love with immediately; Altair ibn La Ahad is one of my favorite characters, although in retrospect he is written in a rather lackluster fashion.  I also played Assassin’s Creed II which introduced Ezio Auditore da Firenze; at first I was a little skeptical of changing the protagonist, especially since I didn’t particularly like Ezio much at first.  But he certainly grows on you as he matures throughout the game(s), from a lazy playboy to a calm, warm-hearted, leader of men.

Ezio...the ladies' man of the Assassin's Guild.

Ezio…the ladies’ man of the Assassin’s Guild.

Now we have Revelations which is supposed to bring the stories of Altair and Ezio to a conclusion.  I’ve played and finished the game, as of this writing, and I have to say that if you’ve played Brotherhood, you’ve played Revelations.  The hook-blade is nifty and the zip-lines are fun the first few times, the only problem with them being they are one-way and rarely go in the direction you need to be headed, to you use the zip-line rather sparingly for the most-part (in my experience).

Revelations is kind of a small game, basically more like a Brotherhood mod than its own game, really.  But the story is pretty good; on-par, if not better than Brotherhood’s story in some ways.

My main problem with Revelations, actually, is the other side of the game: The Desmond Files wherein you play in a 1st Person Platformer style of game.  It’s not the system, the reasoning, the story, or anything like that…it’s the fact it didn’t work.  I don’t know if my disc is bad or what or if it’s just that I can’t get an update to fix it, but I can’t play the Desmond files.  My system locks up and freezes as soon as I try to play it.

Along with the other bugs and glitches (fair warning, do not try to assassinate someone with the crossbow in a story mission, because your arm will freeze and the crossbow won’t be able to fire and you won’t be able to draw another weapon or climb) this is a pretty big one.

Speaking of big glitches…when your tutorial has a game-breaking glitch that makes it unbeatable (it took me 20 minutes to succeed in a routine roof-climb act because the roof would glitch and hurl me in a random direction) then you automatically have low expectations for a game.  But that’s a pretty big glitch to have in a AAA game.

I’m glad I didn’t buy it when it first came out, but it is a good play in the end.  I would have to suggest, unless you’re a die-hard fan and have to own every Assassin’s Creed game (in which case you probably already own it) I’d suggest renting it or borrowing it from your die-hard friend (and no I won’t lend you my copy).

I'm sure Ezio was disappointed, too.  This is the first game he hasn't had sex in.

I’m sure Ezio was disappointed, too. This is the first game he hasn’t had sex in.

Needless to say it’s, in the end, an okay game.  Good story, short game (I beat it, including all of the secret locations and stuff in a little more than 21 hours), and basically the same Assassin’s Creed you’ve already played twice in II and Brotherhood; which is actually kind of a plus, because I enjoyed both of them.  Although in the end Revelations would have been a really great ‘second city’ (along with Rome) or ending chapter of the game Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood instead of being it’s own game.  It could have made a great $20.00 DLC instead of a $50.00 game, I think.  Well, you know…if it worked at all; I still haven’t beaten the Desmond Files stuff because I can’t play them.

On that subject I did contact Ubisoft Customer Service about the situation.  I was told in a confirmation e-mail I would receive a response in about 1 business day.  I submitted it on a Friday morning and got a response back…Wednesday.  So not scoring high on that.

And their answer was, “Try adjusting the video settings on the system”.  If that doesn’t work try deleting all the game files on the system and put the game disc back in to let them re-update (they did, at least, tell me that my save files would not be affected by this).  And if that doesn’t work…put the disc in a second system and see if the disc is faulty.

Keep in mind doing the last-ditch effort would require actually playing a significant portion of the game, because you have to unlock at least the first set of Desmond’s files.

Wait a minute!

Who the fuck has two PS3 systems sitting around in their house to try the disc in a second system?  I’m certainly not going to buy a second PS3 just to test one possibly faulty disc.  Only after I’ve done all that will Ubisoft even consider the disc is faulty and offer to maybe fix it.

So Ubisoft kind of fails on the whole customer service aspect, I have to say.


Lowes Down Dirty Deal

I bought a washing machine recently.  It just a small one to go between the sink and the tub in my bathroom, 1 cubic foot tub in the washer, even had faucet hook-ups.  It was clearly designed for an apartment, which is what I live in.

I own a dryer, but hadn’t been able to find an apartment-size washing machine for under $700.  This thing was only $250, add in taxes and all that and it was just under $300.  So I bought it and they told me it would be in from the warehouse within two weeks.

The following week we giddily chattered about all the laundry we can do at our own house without having to spend a whole day going somewhere to do laundry at my in-laws’ house, or spending a fortune to go to the Laundromat.

I have to wear a uniform for my job and they only give me a certain number of shirts and pants: Two a piece.  In the end I generally wear one shirt and one pair of pants for a week, then throw them in the laundry, and then wear the other shirt and pants the next week.  Eww, I know.

So anyway, I wash both sets every two weeks on one of my days off.  It takes all day because we do all the laundry.  And because of my uniforms Laundromats are out of the question.  The shirts are white and we always have a fairly small load of whites.  It’s two dollars to wash two shirts, two undershirts, and maybe a pair of white socks; not including the two dollars to dry it if we wanted to dry it there and the cost of detergent and all that.  And it would still take all day to do anyway.

So the second weeks passes and we’re getting to the day we should have our new washing machine in.  I was patiently waiting for my call from Lowes to tell me it was in and that we would be able arrange delivery soon.

Then I get the call…Drew from Lowes calls to tell me, on the day it was supposed to come in, that there was a mistake.  Turns out the warehouses listed it wrong; it shouldn’t be listed as in-stock in the warehouse.  Why not?


That’s right…it’s a model that’s not in production, yet.  The company who makes it hasn’t even built one, yet, and won’t build one until mid-May.  So let’s look at this timeline…

April 11th, I paid $300 for the machine.

April 25th, I get a call telling me that they just that day discovered it hasn’t even been built yet.

May 15th, is the date Drew from Lowes tells me they will begin production and then two weeks from there (roughly May 30th) I can hope to expect to actually get it.

So, needless to say, I’m quite perturbed by this.  The earliest I can get to Lowes is April 30th, but they want me to call them back and tell me if I want a refund or if I want to go ahead and keep the order going.

I decide that taking two weeks to find out that the item I’ve bought and already paid money for isn’t even built, yet, is unacceptable.  I’ll take my money back, go to Home Depot a little further down the road, and buy a similar item from them, instead.

So I now have a goal that I’m not letting up on for anything: I want my refund in CASH.

I’m not taking store credit, I’m not trading it in for a different model that actually is built, and I’m not even going for having the money be put on my credit or debit cards.  I want cold, hard, cash.

So last Monday I headed down to Lowes and went to customer service.  Now before I get too far ahead of the story, let me tell you about my night before.

Sunday night I get off work at 11:30pm.  I go home and go for a relaxing walk with my fiancé, we know we have to get up early for the trip to Lowes (earlier than we usually do, at least), so we cut the walk a little on the short side and we end up going to bed early, too.

My fiancé took Benadryl to help with the itch caused by her severe eczema, so as soon as her head hit the pillow…she was out and in deep sleep.  I lay down beside her, snuggled up to her, and couldn’t stop thinking about ‘tomorrow’.

We went to bed about 3:00am.  I finally got to sleep at about 6:00am.  We were planning on getting up at noon and I finally got tugged out of bed at about 3:00pm, an hour or two later than I usually do (I work mostly second shift).

So I’m lacking in sleep, I feel miserable, and I’m pissed off.  We get dressed and I put on the same socks I was wearing the day before…because I haven’t been able to wash my socks and I’ve run out (on account of the fact I don’t have a washing machine -_- ).

My fiancé disarmed me before we left.  She made me shed the pistol, the pocket knife, and even made sure my fingernails were clipped (fearing my attempts at throat ripping).

We walk in and everything seems to be going smoothly.  We tell the lady at the Customer Service counter our situation and she sends us back to the appliances section.  We tell the guy at the appliance counter and he checks the situation to tell us, “Yup, the warehouse still says it’s in stock.  We have a similar model in stock, too…but it’s the same company so I’ll bet they haven’t built that one either.  You want me to switch the order over to that one, leave the standing order, or issue a refund?”

With no hesitation I gently said, “Refund.”

“No problem, follow me back to up to the customer service,” and we were all back at the front of the store, right by the entrance, where I wanted to be for strategic purposes.  You see if they try to screw me over, I wanted to be right at the front where I could cause a ruckus and create a scene.  The squeaky, flaming, destructive wheel gets the cash, or however the old saying goes.

That’s when he told me the bad news…my refund would be store credit.  To which I corrected him, saying that my refund would be cash.

“Sorry, since you used a gift card we can only refund it with store credit.”

We purchased $300 worth of gift cards from Giant Eagle to get the fuel perks, then went down the sidewalk to Lowes and bought the washer, figuring it would show up in two weeks’ time.

I told the gentlemen that I refused to settle for anything less than cash.  He told me there was nothing that could be done, but I wanted to waste my time with a manager he could get one.

I humbly thanked him…whilst I throttled the desk with my dominant hand.  The manager, who looked younger than me, approached introduced himself; his name was Matt.  Between the appliance worker and myself, we summarized the situation to Matt.

“Why don’t we just refund it as a gift card and cash out the gift card?” Matt was brilliant.

That is until corporate rules got involved.  Apparently mischievous thieves liked to purchase gift cards from giant eagle for the fuel perks, then walk over and cash them out, having spent no actual money at Lowes.  So cashing out gift cards was not allowed.

Now Mat was stuck between a Rick and a hard place (see what I did there?).  And that hard place was growing nearer to being the $300 worth of vandalism I was planning to commit on my way out to make our debts equal.

He tried refunding it as store credit, cashing the store credit out as a gift card, and then cashing out the store gift card as cash.  Turns out you can’t buy gift cards with store credit.

This was about the time I began dropping the penultimate slew of F-bombs and accusing the store of theft.  It was also about the time I began to lose feeling in my right arm, because I was still strangling the desk the whole time and we were about fifteen minutes deep in this pile of ever-growing shit.

The only thing that had kept me calm so far was the reassuring presence of my fiancé beside me.  But even now I was nearing my breaking point.  She had at least kept me from ripping any throats out, so far.  But she would not deter me from causing a path of destruction through this store, that Hades himself would blush at, if not for—

“Can we do an upgrade?”

What the hell is an upgrade?

“You go back to appliances and pick out any washer you want and it’s yours,” stated Matt sheepishly.

Sure, they’re going to take me back to the scratch and dent and let me pick out—

“Any washer you want, brand new,” assured Matt, “I’ll price-adjust it for whatever the store credit amount is and you walk out without even pulling your wallet out today.”

…well I was speechless.  I looked to my fiancé to make sure she heard the same thing I had.  She ferociously asked, “Can we get it delivered?”

“Of course, free of charge,” replied Matt.


“…yeah, uhh, okay; I’m cool with that,” I less than ferociously responded.

So we headed back into the appliances where he singled out a handful of washers, “Anything you want, these ones are a little bigger than what you had ordered before, but if size isn’t a problem we’ll okay any of these.”

So I picked out a nice $600 washer and we arranged delivery for the following afternoon after the appliance worker’s hesitant, “Uhh, is tomorrow afternoon acceptable?”

I’d seen on the screen that it was the earliest available time, that and I didn’t feel like waking up before noon just for the delivery man.  So I agreed that it was a good time.

So in conclusion, as a high school essayist would say…you win Lowes, you have kept a customer.


Of course just to spite them I bought the hose hook ups I needed from Home Depot down the road later that day.