Comic: Psycho’s Creed

I mentioned in my Assassin’s Creed III review that its main character, Connor, was a little bit different from the past protagonists of the AC series.  And that difference is Psychopathy.

You see each of the assassins fights a little differently in the games, this can be seen most closely shotgunning AC III right after AC: Revelations.  Altair seems to be faster and, surprisingly, more stylish than Ezio with some of his manuevers; utilizing a few flying thrusts.  But Ezio kills like a true master!  Where Altair hacked his saber into a soldier’s shoulder, Ezio thrusts his saber between the links of a man’s armor and guts him eloquently.  You could argue that it is because Altair was fighting plate-armored crusaders and Ezio is fighting leather-clad Italian barons, but that’s all beside the point.

We come all the way to the New World and find Connor, who bears the real name Ratonhnhhaketon (Ra-doon-ah Gah-doon).  Well Ratonhnhhaketon is not your average Assassin, he does not live solely for the order like his ancestors and forebears.  No, rather Ratonkatruck finds himself quite tri-polar, switching sides between the Mohawk, Assassins, and Colonials randomly throughout the game.

First he’s all like, “I must ruthlessly murder the Templars, because I am an Assassin.”  Right up until he kills a few and finds that they were actually doing positive things.  Then he decides, “I must aid my colonial comrades to beat back a tyrannical government!”  Right up until he finds out that his tribe is about to be wiped out because the local Native Americans have sided with the British in the war.  Then we take some time to go back to, “Kill the Templars, because one of them is responsible for my mother’s death.”  Until we discover that he actually isn’t, and then it becomes, “Well…kill that particular Templar anyway, because I’ve spent my whole life fixated on killing him and really don’t know what else to do with myself.”  The only thing for certain on Connor’s mind is, “Anyone wearing red is the enemy!”

Oh no!  Take off the flannel, Granny!

Oh God! Put it back on, put it back on!!

Throughout the game though he kills British Regulars, Scottish Grenadiers, and Hessian Jagers, all adorned in red, of course.  He also kills black-clad templars, colonial soldiers in blue, and even bashes or chokes out a few of his fellow Mohawks.  And that’s not even the real issue; what’s really messed up about Rowdycartoon is the way he kills people.

Whether it’s using a hatchet to slowly and methodically slash a man’s throat, or wrapping a trip-mine to their foot and then pushing them, or shooting an arrow directly into their eye at point-blank range, he never really gets across the proper way to use his tools.  He finds fault with killing enemy soldiers, especially those who have surrendered, in the cut scenes…but then he doesn’t use the snare items to bind their wrists and leave them incapacitated…no he strangles them.  Raedawnchong wraps the cord of the snare around their neck and pulls them over his back, much like Agent 47 of the Hitman series does with his garrote wire.  Except that Agent 47 tugs on the line a bit to snap their neck and kill them as quickly as possible and Rancidspittoon rolls them over his back and just squeezes the line so that they struggle and gasp until they finally succumb to sweet, sweet, death.

One of his counter executions actually has him drop an enemy to his knees, point a rifle at his opponent, force the man to beg for his life…then shoot him in the face at point-blank range.  Another has him trick a man into shooting his own comrade, then he jams a rifle bayonet into the poor schmuck’s ballsack.

Cartman would not approve of the dick-stab.

That being the case, I commissioned my artist friend, Kim Samson (she’s the one who drew Dick Lee for those who are familiar with the anthropomorphic penis on the right side of the page) to draw me a little comic about Badonkadonk’s psychotic behavior.  I hope you enjoy her artwork, my writing, and a free advertisement for an Ubisoft game.

Art by: Kim Samson


New Years Resolutions?

My New Years Resolution is a simple one…stop losing my blog posts.  And maybe try to keep up with Dick of the Month posts a little better.

Here’s my first step toward my resolution…I finally found the Assassin’s Creed: Revelations review I’d written, which was supposed to go up between the PS3 unboxing and the AC III review(s).

So here it is, in it’s entirety…keep in mind, at the time I hadn’t yet played Assassin’s Creed III and had just beaten Revelation the night before.


Altair is an Arab man beloved by millions of Americans.  He's the first step to ending the wars in the Middle East!

Altair is an Arab man beloved by millions of Americans. He’s the first step to ending the wars in the Middle East!

So, now that I’ve gotten my PS3 opened up and had a bit of time to actually play some Assassin’s Creed: Revelations.  Now, like I said in the unboxing video, I’ve played the original which I fell in love with immediately; Altair ibn La Ahad is one of my favorite characters, although in retrospect he is written in a rather lackluster fashion.  I also played Assassin’s Creed II which introduced Ezio Auditore da Firenze; at first I was a little skeptical of changing the protagonist, especially since I didn’t particularly like Ezio much at first.  But he certainly grows on you as he matures throughout the game(s), from a lazy playboy to a calm, warm-hearted, leader of men.

Ezio...the ladies' man of the Assassin's Guild.

Ezio…the ladies’ man of the Assassin’s Guild.

Now we have Revelations which is supposed to bring the stories of Altair and Ezio to a conclusion.  I’ve played and finished the game, as of this writing, and I have to say that if you’ve played Brotherhood, you’ve played Revelations.  The hook-blade is nifty and the zip-lines are fun the first few times, the only problem with them being they are one-way and rarely go in the direction you need to be headed, to you use the zip-line rather sparingly for the most-part (in my experience).

Revelations is kind of a small game, basically more like a Brotherhood mod than its own game, really.  But the story is pretty good; on-par, if not better than Brotherhood’s story in some ways.

My main problem with Revelations, actually, is the other side of the game: The Desmond Files wherein you play in a 1st Person Platformer style of game.  It’s not the system, the reasoning, the story, or anything like that…it’s the fact it didn’t work.  I don’t know if my disc is bad or what or if it’s just that I can’t get an update to fix it, but I can’t play the Desmond files.  My system locks up and freezes as soon as I try to play it.

Along with the other bugs and glitches (fair warning, do not try to assassinate someone with the crossbow in a story mission, because your arm will freeze and the crossbow won’t be able to fire and you won’t be able to draw another weapon or climb) this is a pretty big one.

Speaking of big glitches…when your tutorial has a game-breaking glitch that makes it unbeatable (it took me 20 minutes to succeed in a routine roof-climb act because the roof would glitch and hurl me in a random direction) then you automatically have low expectations for a game.  But that’s a pretty big glitch to have in a AAA game.

I’m glad I didn’t buy it when it first came out, but it is a good play in the end.  I would have to suggest, unless you’re a die-hard fan and have to own every Assassin’s Creed game (in which case you probably already own it) I’d suggest renting it or borrowing it from your die-hard friend (and no I won’t lend you my copy).

I'm sure Ezio was disappointed, too.  This is the first game he hasn't had sex in.

I’m sure Ezio was disappointed, too. This is the first game he hasn’t had sex in.

Needless to say it’s, in the end, an okay game.  Good story, short game (I beat it, including all of the secret locations and stuff in a little more than 21 hours), and basically the same Assassin’s Creed you’ve already played twice in II and Brotherhood; which is actually kind of a plus, because I enjoyed both of them.  Although in the end Revelations would have been a really great ‘second city’ (along with Rome) or ending chapter of the game Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood instead of being it’s own game.  It could have made a great $20.00 DLC instead of a $50.00 game, I think.  Well, you know…if it worked at all; I still haven’t beaten the Desmond Files stuff because I can’t play them.

On that subject I did contact Ubisoft Customer Service about the situation.  I was told in a confirmation e-mail I would receive a response in about 1 business day.  I submitted it on a Friday morning and got a response back…Wednesday.  So not scoring high on that.

And their answer was, “Try adjusting the video settings on the system”.  If that doesn’t work try deleting all the game files on the system and put the game disc back in to let them re-update (they did, at least, tell me that my save files would not be affected by this).  And if that doesn’t work…put the disc in a second system and see if the disc is faulty.

Keep in mind doing the last-ditch effort would require actually playing a significant portion of the game, because you have to unlock at least the first set of Desmond’s files.

Wait a minute!

Who the fuck has two PS3 systems sitting around in their house to try the disc in a second system?  I’m certainly not going to buy a second PS3 just to test one possibly faulty disc.  Only after I’ve done all that will Ubisoft even consider the disc is faulty and offer to maybe fix it.

So Ubisoft kind of fails on the whole customer service aspect, I have to say.


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