Veteran’s Day 2016

What?  Did you think I’d forgotten about Veteran Day this year?  Of course not…but just like real service members, I also had to work on Veteran’s Day.  And so I didn’t meet my deadline to get this post finished before 8:00am.

The wife and I decided to make a couple comics instead just the usual photo post of military memes.  We hope you enjoy them.  Also happy 241st to my USMC brethren.

v-day_001

v-day_002I hope everyone, particularly my soldierly fellows, enjoyed Veteran’s Day this year.

~RCS

Advertisements

Memorial Day 2015

As is pretty usual on the real holidays (Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, y’know, holidays that actually matter) we are bringing some solemn humor to DickJutsu.com.  We’ve done it for prior Memorial Day celebrations.  As is common here, we have a photopost full of humorous military memes, jokes, and such.  So let’s get to it.  If you’ve served some of these may hit pretty close to home, if you haven’t…remember that some of this shit is stuff that people who do serve have to deal with.

First a few jokes at the expense of my Army buddies…

2015-md6 2015-md3

 

And nobody can forget the first wave of any war…the Air Force.

2015-md4 2015-md7 2015-md11

 

And we can’t neglect the Navy.  Without them how would the Marines get across the world to win our wars?

Navy-Laser SMLPOHurt-when-you-pee

Speaking of the good ‘ol USMC…

MC-Choke

Okay, so maybe I’m a little biased.  Here’s a few at Marine  expense…

2015-md10 No-light1 2015-md9

And don’t forget the cute widdle Coast Guard!

Coast-guard MM-Show-us-your-life-jackets

So, remember…this a day to celebrate the men, women, and cute puppies that serve in the U.S. Military!

we-are-all-soo-f-d_o_1426221

And always remember.  Troops in combat situations love care packages.  Whether they have yummy snacks, a flak jacket that Army budget cuts couldn’t give them, or y’know, the important stuff…

It-has-arrived_o_91679

~RCS

Veteran’s Day 2014

I’m sure after a few years of this you all know the drill.  Marine Corps Birthday/Anniversary followed by…Veteran’s Day.  As is usual, we have a Photopost today.  But first, a little something to think about when you’re cheering at a parade or listening to some guy with more stars on his shoulders than brains under his cap give a speech: We are, legally and technically, a secular nation.  We have, codified in our laws, procedures that prohibit the favoring of any religion.  As such, we shouldn’t have any religious holidays be national holidays.  But consider this…

December 25th, an arbitrary day picked to celebrate the birth of Christ by ancient Romans.  There will be no mail sent or received that day.

November 11th, a symbolic day chosen to mourn those lost during the seminal tragedy of the last century, WWI, and a celebration of our soldiers and sailors who served nobly in the armed services.  Mail will be picked up and delivered on this day.

Consider that, on Christmas a soldier can’t get his paycheck mailed to him.  But he can on Veteran’s day.  And how many of you are taking a day off to celebrate the soldiers who protect you from evil, as compared to how many of you will be taking Christmas day off to celebrate a fat man putting overpriced knick-knacks under an aluminum tree?

Priorities.  We, as a nation, need to try to get some.

So without further ado…funny stuff:

Vet2014-5

What? Gotta have somethin’ to do to keep yourself occupied on those long flights.

Vet2014-6

This is what it would look like if there were any Buddhist Theocracies in the world.

Vet2014-10

I…have no idea what I’m doing.

Vet2014-12

Who likes Short Shorts? The ladies watching the PT group like Short Shorts! Ooh-Rah!

Vet2014-11

I believe those mustaches violate the uniform code.

Vet2014-8

Too much time was spent on the details of that glorious penis.

Vet2014-7

“All I know is it ends in ‘-stan’.” “Oh, yeah, that sounds repressed as shit, let’s liberate the hell out of it!”

Vet2014-3

Sadly, this still wouldn’t be the weirdest story I’ve heard from Marines.

Vet2014-9 Vet2014-4 Vet2014-2 Vet2014

~RCS

And like I said…USMC birthday…

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

You kill anything that stands against the Red, White, and Blue!

Happy Birthday to you!

Memorial Day 2014

You know what day it is…well actually what day it was yesterday.  You see, in honor of Memorial Day, which honors the troops killed in action in our uniforms, under our flags, to ensure we get nifty things like the internet, buildings that aren’t bombed into rubble, and potable water I played a nifty game called War Thunder.  It takes place in World War II.  It counts.

Anyway, it’s time to honor the troops with funny pictures, like we are wont to do every year around Memorial Day (and Veteran’s Day, and Independence Day, and well…okay so it’s a cheap easy post to make when I’m doing holiday stuff).

First we’ll honor the Army:

Their motto isn't Army Sane, after all.

Their motto isn’t Army Sane, after all.

Then the Air Force:

us air force boobs

USAF, the only branch where ‘bombing’ a test is a good thing.

 

We can’t forget the Marine Corps; Ooh-Rah!

"Oohmf-Rahmf!"

“Oohmf-Rahmf!”

 

And, of course, our friends in the Navy:

b2275e10247863378a6fc2c06a9a711f

Oh Captain, my Captain!

 

Always remember the fierce wardogs that win victory to protect this country from all threats, foreign, domestic, and maybe even imaginary.  To the tanks and planes of tomorrow, all the way from the days of cavalry charges:

Cry-Havoc1

And speaking of wardogs, let’s not forget our trusty k-9 companions who keep our troops warm in foxholes and ruthlessly bite, maul, and eat whatever may attempt to harm them.

Rowr!  I are the Viking Dog!

Rowr! I are the Viking Dog!

But always remember that Memorial Day is, at its heart, a solemn day to remember those who didn’t make it back to enjoy the laughs we share right now.

10407074_958337954195658_6287274909750001608_n

Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick!”  Soldiers are our stick, they are the reason why we are speaking English without a bunch of unnecessary ‘u‘s and why we have the choice to hang the flag on our porch, burn in a bonfire, or cover a table with it.  Regardless of where the country is, where it’s headed, or what may come of it…the soldiers are the reason we are a country.  We stand on the foundation they have built for us, with their blood, sweat, tears, bodies, and sheer willpower.

10373528_667147309999190_8375029699805774717_n

~RCS

 

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 101-140

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  And in case you can’t wait for my slow pace…here’s 100-140 on the list, and that ends our time together with Murphy’s Laws of Combat.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com.  There’s a few repeats from earlier days on this list, but what the hell, it’s all good.

101. Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.

Warning: Do not stand behind during gunfight!

Warning: Do not stand behind during gunfight!

102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

q1tFM30832113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. If orders can be misunderstood they will be.
117. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
118. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
119. Mine fields are not neutral.
120. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
121. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
122. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
123. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
124. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
125. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
126. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
127. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
128. When you have sufficient ammo the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on ammo the enemy attacks that night.
129. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
130. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
131. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
132. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
133. If at first you don’t succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn’t for you.
134. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.

"See?  I told you we weren't gonna hit a rock!"

“See? I told you we weren’t gonna hit a rock!”

135. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
136. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don’t.
137. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
138. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
139. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
140. All or any of the above combined.

~RCS

Thanks for coming and thanks for reading.  Monday starts some regular update stuff, expect a politics-heavy one since I haven’t done that in a while.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 61-100

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  And in case you can’t wait for my slow pace…here’s 61-100 on the list, expect the final set tomorrow.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com if you can’t wait and want the rest of them.

61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

"Yo, Boss!  Are you positive this is Afghanistan?"

“Yo, Boss! Are you positive this is Afghanistan?”

64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
73. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math –> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math –> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

throwing-a-grenade-fail
91. All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

~RCS

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 41-60

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  Here’s 41-60 on the list, expect the next set tomorrow.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com if you can’t wait and want the rest of them.

41. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain’t neutral.

Claymore_mines_by_object2bdestroyd


46. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

47. Air defense motto: shoot ’em down; sort ’em out on the ground.
48. ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go’.
49. The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren’t.
57. It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Or...yeah, that works, too.

Or…yeah, that works, too.

59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

~RCS

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 21-40

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  Here’s 21-40 on the list, expect the next set tomorrow.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com if you can’t wait and want the rest of them.

21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.

3255934_700b


23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

24. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
34. Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

~RCS

Murphy’s Laws of Combat: 1-20

The Murphy’s Law of Combat is really just a cynically humorous list of jokes that, if remembered properly, will do a mixture of worrying a soldier and of keeping him alive.  Here’s 1-20 on the list, expect the next set tomorrow.  The list I got comes from Strategy Page.com if you can’t wait and want the rest of them.

1. Friendly fire – isn’t.
2. Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
3. Suppressive fires – won’t.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When they’re ready. b. When you’re not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

~RCS

Veterans Day: 2013

So as you all know, or you should know at least, today is Veteran’s Day.  Unlike Memorial Day where we celebrate those who perished in the duty of their country, today is a day to celebrate everyone in the Military; past, present, and I would argue…future.

PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a serious issue with our military, as it has been with every military in the history of military conflict; and it’s not just the military, bullying children in their formative years can create PTSD symptoms in adults, abusive relationships or parenting, or even just being part of a traumatic experience (hence the name).  I’ve seen humor work wonders for dealing with PTSD.  It helps to get the person’s mind off the trauma.  So, in honor of those I served with, those I never got to serve with, and those who did waaaay more than I ever accomplished in my pitiful military career…here’s some military humor for you…

A buddy of mine enlisted...after 4 tries at the ASVAB test, he finally got a passing score.  He mans a tank; funny, huh?

A buddy of mine enlisted…after 4 tries at the ASVAB test, he finally got a passing score. He mans a tank; funny, huh?

randomoverload.net

Blowjobs in the thick of battle, true camaraderie!

Blowjobs in the thick of battle, true camaraderie!

When did we start hiring suicide bombers?

When did we start hiring suicide bombers?

Here’s a random joke, title links to the place I got it from:

Laziest Soldier:

A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: “I have a nice easy job for  the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.” 19 men raised  their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your  hand?” The man replied: “Too much trouble, Sarge.”

Here’s a few ‘declassified’ quotes from random members of the forces, although the submitters desired anonymity.  Culled from Strategy Page which is quickly becoming one of my new favorite sites.  Give it a look, definitely.

“I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, ‘It’s no problem,’ he means, for him,” EUCOM Major.

“Please don’t laugh. This is my job,” EUCOM Major explaining in great detail the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs

“If we wait until the last minute to do it, it’ll only  take a minute.”

“We are condemned men who are chained and will row in  place until we rot,” Lt. Colonel on life at his Command.

“I’ll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat…” Lt. Colonel, after being given a difficult task.

“I may be slow, but I do poor work…” a US Major.

“Don’t ever be the first…don’t ever be the last…and don’t ever volunteer to do anything….” A Navy Commander relating an old Navy proverb (I’ve seen it in land-based ideologies, too).  The reason is…the first guy into the room gets surprised by the ambush, the last guy into the room gets picked off silently by the enemy sniper, and the guys in the middle are the ones who survive to write the memoir about the brutal battle.

“The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of ‘Rs’ in fat chance…” Civilian Gov’t Employee

“His knowledge in that topic is only Power Point deep,” US Major

“Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule,” Chief Warrant Officer

“Never pet a burning dog,” Lt. Colonel in the Tenn. Nat’l Guard

And finally, a quote attributed to late President Ronald Reagan: “Status Quo as you know is Latin for ‘the mess we’re in’.”

Stay tuned all week as I’m going to put up sections of the Murphy’s Law of Combat list, a few dozen a day, just to brighten your Veteran’s Week!

~RCS

Previous Older Entries

Free lessons in Dickjutsu by e-maill. Or if you don't get the joke, it's the subscription button.