Modestly Boastful

I was sitting around with nothing else to occupy my time.

Yeah, you know what I was doing…

Well I got to thinking about commonly used words in the English language, again.
When people learn that I am a martial artist they always ask for some sort of credentials (as if I was actually that concerned with your respect in me to care). And sure enough that credential always comes down to “Do you have a Black Belt?” Actually, no…I do not have a black belt in any of the half-dozen styles of martial arts I have trained in.
I do have 24 years of experience in the martial arts, though. I have worked as an instructor in a dojo, before. My particular specialty was in showing black belts how to transition their dojo-learned combat skills into real-world self-defense.
But I try to avoid that conversation as much as possible, because it just makes me sound butt-hurt (that’s young-folk talk for feeling ‘upset’) about not having a black belt.  And they still want some kind of credential, which I cannot easily present.

At least, not without kicking them in the face.

Instead I shift the conversation by admitting that I am an “Award-Winning” martial artist. I was awarded second place in both weapons and unarmed demonstrations at a tournament.  Yes, technically speaking that means that I am award-winning, because I won an award for it.

So that segued into me thinking about the word remarkable.  Now remarkable means someone who is worth talking about, i.e. someone is worth making a remark about.  But really, remarkable could be construed to mean anyone who is able to make a remark.  So if you can speak audibly, you are remarkable.

I often make snide remarks, so I’m maliciously remarkable.  Any wonder why foreigners have such trouble with the English language?

~RCS

Random Jokes for June 1st!

I really have no ideas for a blog topic right now.  So here are some random jokes to titillate yourself with.  Keep in mind, as with any of my other humor pieces, if you are sensitive to certain topics you should probably not be on a site called Dickjutsu.com, period.  That being said, enjoy the debauchery of my jokeness.

1.) Stupid Hunters

Two hunters are walking through the woods when one suddenly collapses, eyes glazed over and not breathing.  The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services saying, “Help!  My buddy just collapsed in the woods while we were hunting, he’s not breathing and I think he’s dead!”

The operator replies, “Just calm down sir, first we need to make sure he’s not breathing.  Can you make sure he’s dead?”

“Yes one moment,” said the hunter tearily and he sat down the phone.  A moment later a gunshot echoed over the phone line and shortly thereafter the hunter got back on the line and sobbed, “Okay, he’s definitely dead…now what do I do?”

2.) Supplies!!

Three men walk into a construction site’s command trailer and speak to the foreman.  Each one asks for a job, one of them is a stalwart German, the other a plucky Italian, and the third is a lanky Japanese man.  First the foreman looks over the German and says, “You’re big and strong, I could definitely use you to lay bricks.  Go to the wall and start laying bricks for me.”

“Breecks, got eet!” The German leaves and the foreman looks the Italian over, “You look like you’ve got good hands and can run a shovel and a wheelbarrow, start mixing cement for the wall.”

“Sure, I’ll mix-a the cement-a!” The Italian leaves and finally the foreman looks the scrawny Japanese man up and down and sighs, “I don’t really know what I can do with you, but I guess I can use you.  Go to the depot, you’re in charge of supplies.”

Without saying a word the Japanese man smiles and bows, rushing out the door to get to work.  After about an hour of work the Italian shows up at the wall and speaks to the German, “Hey-a, my friend…how are things-a comin’ along-a?”

“Not bad, not bad…but I am runnink out of breecks,” admitted the German, “And I need more sement, too.”

“Yeah, I ran out-a concrete mix about-a ten a-minutes ago,” admitted the Italian, “Where do you think-a that little Asian guy got-a off to?”

“Let’s look for heem!” proposes the German and they both go toward the depot.  When they enter it there are stacks upon stacks of bricks, tall enough they can’t peer over them.  The German groans, “Dees are my breecks, why did he not brink them to mee?”

They walk a little further and round a corner to find bags of cement mix stacked taller than they are, “An’ these!  These are the bags of-a cement I need-a!”

They continue deeper into the maze of bricks, cement, pipes, and barrels when suddenly the little Japanese man runs out swinging a pipe and throwing confetti as he yells, “Supplies!  Supplies!!”

3.) Another Engrish Joke…

A Japanese man was looking over the cooking utensils in a store when a female employee walked over to him and asked if she could help.  He only shrugged and asked, “Do you have any smarrer pans?”

“A small pan?  Why do you need a small pan?”

“My friends are too busy with their famiries to hang out tonight,” he picked up a single-egg cooking pan and shrugged, “So I’m frying soro tonight.”

4.) Can You Smell What The Scissors Are Cutting?

Everyone knows who Dwayne The Rock Johnson is, right?  He’s this guy:

That’s one badass stone!

As you know he was a Wrestler and he’s acted in several movies as an all-around badass.  So can anyone off the top of their head name one opponent of The Rock’s who will defeat 100% of the time?

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That’s right…The Paper!

Oh my…that one was cheesy, even for me.

5.) Mirror, Mirror on the Wall!

Q. What did the man say when asked if he wanted a job as a mirror inspector?

A. “That’s certainly a job I could see myself in!”

6.) Cooking Jokes…

Q. What do you call an attorney who cooks?

A. A Sues Chef.

Q. Why do Chefs always use natural butter?

A. Smaller margarine for error.

Okay, okay…I’m done for now.  Enjoy your Saturday, or whatever day you manage to read this on!

~RCS

I know, I know…my jokes are like a sick bird.  They should Ill-Eagle!