June Dick of the Month: Katie Couric

Katie Couric is a respected member of the journalistic community.  A big reason the Today show had such good ratings was Ms. Couric; she’s smart, funny, and she worked well with Matt Lauer.

There's that, too.

There’s that, too.

So of course, when she got her own show in September of 2012 she would use it to do great things to further humanity and inform the ignorant masses, right?

Hrm…guess not.

Hrm…guess not.

That’s right, episode 140 was a big expose on how violent video games are what caused the Newtown, Aurora Theatre, and the Columbine School Shootings.  Not to mention the story of Daniel Petric who gunned down his mother and father.  Why?  As Katie’s show puts it, “Daniel Petric from Wellington, Ohio also played violent video games to the extreme, and when his parents tried to take them away, he shot them point-blank.”

Nope, she uses her show to pander to the fear-mongering masses who believe that Video Games are just murder simulators used by terrorists to create emotionless homicidal suburban commandos.

See?  Nobody wants to become that.

See? Nobody wants to become that.

Sure video games can cause violence, but there’s usually alcohol, drugs, or mental instability as an underlying attribute to the violence.  I know me, personally, I’m far less likely to be homicidal if I get regular doses of gaming in.

Gaming, of any kind, reduces stress and helps a person get their mind off of things.  This is why soldiers used to carry decks of cards, chess boards, dice, and the like into battle with them.  While on a prolonged campaign in between murdering countless enemy you can take your mind off the fact that you’re cold, wet, covered in lice, and smell like you just bathed in pig piss.

Even a frustrating game isn’t a waste; when I’m getting my well-armored ass owned trying to take over a castle in Mount & Blade I find myself fuming over the strength of crossbowmen.  But you know what I’m not doing?  Stabbing my boss who keeps firing my decent employees out from underneath me and then blaming me for having overtime every week.  Why?  Because I’m not fretting over my payroll, I’m fretting over fictional crossbowmen.  And since I’m not mentally incompetent, I know said crossbowmen don’t exist.  So once I turn the game off, I have no real worries at the moment because I realize I was angry about something that didn’t really matter.

Video games are a tool that can improve hand-eye coordination, can relieve symptoms of ADHD, can give Autistic children an avenue of communication and a sense of accomplishment, can bring together varied cliques with a common interest, and numerous other benefits.

But Katie Couric is professional journalist, she certainly didn’t commit to actual fear-mongering.  I mean, she talked about the benefits of Video Games, too, right?

Or not.

Or not.

Okay, so Video Games will turn you into a murderer, then.  There’s plenty of people who play video games that don’t murder people.  Surely you can’t think that those people are worse off because they played—

Well fuck you, Katie.

Well fuck you, Katie.

Quinn Pitcock ended his NFL career because of a video game addiction?  Surely it wasn’t because he suffered from Depression and ADHD.  Nope, definitely video game addiction.  Oh, wait, except that he went through rehab for his video game addiction (also for his depression) and still failed on the Seattle Seahawks and Detroit Lions.  But he’s been playing for the Orlando Predators Arena Football team since 2012 where he has 11 tackles, 4.5 sacks, and 1 forced fumble; which is actually better overall than his NFL career of 18 tackles and 1.5 sacks, with no fumbles forced.

So what do you have to say for yourself, Katie?

"I’d say Fuck You, Dick."

“I’d say Fuck You, Dick.”

Oh…damn.  Katie Couric is gangsta.  Good thing I brought backup.

Power Fingerrrr!

Power Fingerrrr!

Katie Couric for your fear-mongering anti-gaming propaganda I hereby declare you the June, 2013 Dick of the Month.








So I was watching television (they changed the channel on the TV in my building, it’s CBS now instead of CNN) and last night I caught the repeat of the new CBS show Mom, starring Anna Faris and Allison Janney.

It’s the story of an alcoholic who is just starting to get her life together.  She’s celebrating 180 days sober in AA and she works as a waitress in a fancy Napa Valley restaurant.

At least it's not the woman eating the banana, half naked.

At least it’s not the woman eating the banana, half naked.

She also owns an impeccably clean (for a single mother) and well-furnished three-bedroom (minimum) house.

The series has some funny moments, mostly coming from French Stewart’s character as the eccentric Head Chef, Rudy.

But mostly it’s a very ingenuine crapshoot.  The whole backstory is that Faris’ character, Christy, has led a miserable life.  She dropped out of High School, presumably when she got pregnant with her daughter Violet.  She’s clearly spent her life working in minimum wage jobs, in and out of jail it seems, and probably has bad credit.

So how can she afford such a nice house, with a yard (she’s boinking her married boss and when he shows up at her house she comically throws him off the porch and she even has sprinklers in her yard go off on him).  So that’s a 3 bedroom house in the suburbs, with a giant living room, a full-size kitchen with a nice table, her son is seen playing what seems to be the latest Grand Theft Auto game that was just released on a 32 inch flat screen television.

Is this the kind of house Republicans actually believe poor people live in?

Is this the kind of house Republicans actually believe poor people live in?

How does she afford all this on a waitress’ pay?  Especially when it is implied that she’s not a very good waitress, so I doubt she’s taking home thousands of dollars in tips every night.

She’s also living in or near Napa Valley, California…a very expensive place.  The cheapest 3 bedroom house I can find in Napa Valley costs $110,000.  Even if you assume she’s renting one…$1,375 a month.  If she works full-time at server wages and takes home $50 in tips a night she would only make 1400 a month.  Take taxes out of that and she can afford all this, how?

Not to mention all of the designer clothes that Faris’ character wears through the show.  Now I realize it’s because it’s television and everyone wears designer clothes, but you could at least make it appear as though she was wearing a dollar store shirt or something.

I grew up in impoverished alcoholic homes, they are not as fanciful as this shit.  And it’s something that television does a lot, characters who are so ingenuine in their portrayals that it’s just not worth watching.

I wish my kitchen looked that nice!  Maybe I should try this whole alcoholism thing?  Seems to be pretty profitable.

I wish my kitchen looked that nice! Maybe I should try this whole alcoholism thing? Seems to be pretty profitable.

Reba McEntire’s old show, which is a great show by the way, was another one that was weird like that.  She lived in a giant mansion of a house, but she didn’t have a job, or at least not one that would afford that house.  But that was at least explained by the fact that her ex-husband was a dentist and paid a lot of alimony.

Christy doesn’t have dentist alimony, unless that Boss of hers that she’s shtoopin’ is paying for her house, so how can she afford all this crap?

I know I’m certainly putting the television on mute when I have to run the desk and it comes on next week.

If you’re still interested in seeing the show, here’s the trailer for it.  I’m a little ashamed at the fact that the biggest complaints about the show I’m seeing is that people are upset it uses a laugh-track in the trailer.


November Dick of the Month: Angus T. Jones

November’s Dick of the month comes awfully late in the month (hence my lateness in writing and posting it…that and [this]).  With labor strikes in the NFL referee’s corps recently and now the NHL strike and subsequent lockout it has brought attention to overpaid sports stars who only put in backbreaking labor for a few days out of the year and make over 3,600% more than the bottom half of the country.  Said sports stars are demanding more millions of dollars per year, of course.  It also brings to mind the billionaires who own the team and won’t cut the stars people actually go out to watch a few more dollars, or y’know…cut the cost of tickets, beer, and hotdogs for the folks who come to watch their teams.


But in all that, we also have to remember the actors and actresses of movies and television who do even less work.  Let’s look at one of them

Angus T. Jones makes between $250,000 and $300,000 per episode.  With a 26 episode run that equates to around 7 million dollars a year

Then he comes out saying the show is evil and wicked and that you shouldn’t watch it, because it goes against his religious values.

Not enough to actually quit and give up the $7 million a year he’s getting paid, of course.  Just enough to tell you not to watch it.  Here’s his actual statement:

If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I’m on Two and a Half Men, and I don’t want to be on it. Please stop watching it, and filling your head with filth. People say it’s just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch.”

The day after the video of him saying all that crap, and more, goes viral…he comes out a statement, most definitely written by his lawyers or agent or something.  Charlie Sheen also offered him a spot on his new show, but I think that might be a little too risqué for poor little Angus if he was offended by Two and a Half Men.

You’d be surprised what I would do for $7 million.

Actually…if you read this blog you probably would be more surprised by I wouldn’t do for $7 million dollars.

Either way, I would most certainly act in a mildly risqué sitcom for $7 million a year, that is assured.  And I certainly wouldn’t tell the audience, the people who ultimately ensure that my paycheck doesn’t bounce, to stop watching it and to basically stop watching television entirely.

So for being a horrible business person, alone, and risking a $7 million a year career when he’s already in an overpaid and overhyped profession, Angus T. Jones you are November’s Dick of the Month.


Seriously though, if you can come up with $7 million, I am pretty much yours to command.

Free lessons in Dickjutsu by e-maill. Or if you don't get the joke, it's the subscription button.