Twilight Actress?

Just so that we don’t get more posts about Twilight than they’ve movies of it, we’ll do lambasting of Kristen Stewart’s acting prowess…or lack thereof here and then finish it up next week with our last post on the topic.  If you haven’t been keeping up with us, here’s the first and second posts on the subject.

4b43f7980138491fb8a27257de7b4c

This puppu is a more fearsome vampire than Bella Swan in the last movie.

what the hell is wrong with me

Y’know if she had that facial expression the whole time, it would be a totally different tone for the movies.

demotivational-posters-untitled6 425146_367231669972959_205344452828349_1364952_2055777642_n 425249_387087267970413_100000074286675_1490315_1045474820_n blush 554626_366792350041355_446675125_n 36bc09d968ba92a30634c59982bfb9 576851_535312763161410_1487545087_n 68359_557888824240575_662969716_n

~RCS

Twilight Movies?

In case you missed our last talk of the Twilight books’ message, we are going to talk briefly about the Twilight movies, today.  And by briefly I clearly mean this is a Photopost!!  I’ve heard that Stephanie Meyers is considering writing a fifth book and therefore creating a need for a sixth movie.  I sincerely hope she’s lying, or kidding.  But either way, let’s get to lambasting the movies!!

My Fiance might actually watch that movie!

My Fiance might actually watch that movie!

Call now and get a 'Restraining Order' brand vampire repellant!

Call now and get a ‘Restraining Order’ brand vampire repellant!

Some people are probably fapping to this right now...

Some people are probably fapping to this right now…

To be fair, that IS a bad-ass puppet.

To be fair, that IS a bad-ass puppet.

Remove the love triangle from the movie Threesome and it's about a trio of college students who don't ever study.

Remove the love triangle from the movie Threesome and it’s about a trio of college students who don’t ever study.

So true...

So true…

That's pretty gay, right there.

That’s pretty gay, right there.

Fair enough.  Sorry.

Fair enough. Sorry.

1326752655-31207

481288_305372206213790_1638498858_n

Thanks to Twilight I suddenly have respect for Tom Cruise's acting.  Yeck!

Thanks to Twilight I suddenly have respect for Tom Cruise’s acting. Yeck!

That would make a great prequel!  If only to retcon the actual books.

That would make a great prequel! If only to retcon the actual books.

That’s all for today!  Next time we’ll make fun of Kristen Stewart, herself!  But first we’ll take a break to talk about the New Year, how’s that?

~RCS

Twilight Books?

I’m sure some of you have heard about Stephanie Meyers’ Twilight series of books.  I’m sure of this because they are some of the highest grossing movies in the last decade, and some of the best-selling books in the last century.  I’m glad that young girls are moved to actually read something besides Facebook and Cosmopolitan for once, but they certainly could have picked something a little better than Stephanie Meyers; really.

Let’s start with the subject matter: Vampires

Ms. Meyers has admitted she wrote the book without actually even knowing the basics of vampire lore.  She just knew that vampires drank human blood and that they didn’t go out into the sunlight.  She naturally figured the sunlgiht thing must be because they live amongst us and sunlight makes them sparkle and gives away their true form as a vampire.  Except that, since this isn’t the real lore, everyone would just think that Edward (the main male protaganist for those who aren’t familiar, y’know both of you) was wearing glittery concealer.  The real lore is that sunlight kills vampires.

Now I’m not one to bat down someone’s attempt to go against the grain, like making Dwarves as tall as regular humans and lithe like elves (especially since the tiny gnomish Dwarves of Tolkien are actually a Meyers Dwarf, since Dwarves in actual Nordic tradition were usually just dark-skinned elves or the like).  But if you’re going to use something readily available inmost peoples’ vocabulary of common lore, you should stay a little more truthful to the source, I think.  If you’re setting your story in a Tokien-like universe, don’t make tall, lithe dwarves.

At one point Bella (the main female protagonist, for you two, again) uses her knowledge of vampire lore to determine that Edward is, in fact, a vampire.  This means that vampire lore exists in this world, which makes it somewhat Meta.  Look at most Zombie movies.  Before the zombies started showing up, they didn’t exist in that world.  Only a few zombie movies are Meta, in that zombie stories existed when the zombies appeared.

It doesn’t help that the books were written by such an untalented writer.  I don’t think I can sum it up any better than Stephen King, himself:

“The real difference is that [J.K.] Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn.  She’s not very good.”

Another good one by Stephen King is about the message of Twilight, compared to Harry Potter:

King

Except that the quote was actually made by Andrew Futral, not Stephen King; or maybe by Robin Browne…hell I don’t know anymore.  Either way it’s a good quote!

As if the books weren’t bad enough with their sub-par writing and piss-poor message, we add in the ham-handed movies with piss-poor acting, too.  So in the net few sessions we’ll be skewering the Twilight series.  Message, acting, everything.  Today we’ll concentrate on the message with a bit of a Photopost…

I"ll just read my own book, thank you.

I”ll just read my own book, thank you.

And you know I don't often have good things to say about Disney!

And you know I don’t often have good things to say about Disney!

Yup.

Yup.

Can't blame him, I suppose.

Jail-bait bitches be trippin’, yo!

Finally!  A good use for the book.

Finally! A good use for the book.

So that's what that movie was all about?  Makes sense now.

So that’s what that movie was all about? Makes sense now.

My fiance thinks this would actually make Twilight semi-readable.

My fiance thinks this would actually make Twilight semi-readable.

RIP, Jerry Nelson!

RIP, Jerry Nelson!

Seems legit.

Seems legit.

Next time we’ll go into more detail about the movie…

~RCS

Although if you want to watch the movie before our next session, try this fancy drinking game:

293772_405395079489951_205344452828349_1469799_366429195_n

Free lessons in Dickjutsu by e-maill. Or if you don't get the joke, it's the subscription button.