Terry Crews Old Spice Interactive Video

Has anyone else seen the Terry Crews video for Old Spice where he’s hooked up to a bunch of electrodes and uses his muscle contractions to control a bunch of instruments?

You haven’t?  Well you’re about to!  After he plays his instruments you can press the different keys on the keyboard to control his actions.  You can even hit the space bar to activate a recording feature to record your ensuing craziness.

Have some fun and if you really want to get interactive, leave a comment with your stuff or a link to it.

For those who don’t know who Terry Crews if…he used to play football, NFL-style.  Then he got way cooler and became an actor.  He’s been in White Chicks, The Expendables (and he’s in the sequel as well), and the Get Smart remake with Steve Carrell (which I personally actually enjoyed).

~RCS

Here’s just something to show some of the sillier things you can do with the keyboard inputs…

I Have Arachnophob–GAHH GET IT OFF ME!

I’ve heard that the reason the insects, and spiders, are so numerous this year is because of the heat.  apparently insects and arachnids are cold-blooded, so on warm years they mate and successfully breed more.  Which is I say we need to end Global Warming; who cares about Polar Bears, eternal winter will ensure the end of my arch-nemesis: Spiders.

In case you aren’t aware, I’ve had a skirmish or two, with spiders before.  But my fiancée has kept me fairly passive in my dealings with them lately, mostly through guilting me into it.  I knocked a spider off my van’s mirror and stomped it recently, thwarting it from building a web, or as I like to call it a forward base of operations.  She berated for murdering a homeless creature just trying to build a shelter for itself.

So I’ve been sparing the lives of spiders for the past couple of months.  But that ended a few days ago…when I got bit by one of the bastards.  Our peace agreement has been nullified!  I was taking down the flag at sunset and the bastard was laying in ambush on the halyard.  It bit me right on the index finger of my right hand.  It wasn’t deadly poisonous, but I lost feeling in my hand for a few minutes and my finger swelled and was numb for about 6 or so hours (it bit the vein in my middle knuckle, so that probably exacerbated things).

This was after catching a ninja assassin spider trying to kill me in the van the other night.  My fiancée came up to my window and told me she had a present for me.  I rolled the window down and in popped a spider, hanging from a single silken thread.  He was a little dazed, but I remained calm and collected and glared at my fiancée as a visual cue to…save my pussy ass.  She used a candy bar, which was my present by the way, to catch the spider.  She smiled at me softly and commended my courage saying, “I’m proud of how you handled that.  You didn’t scream, you didn’t pull out your gun and try to shoot it or anything.”  At which point I sheepishly mewed, “But what you don’t realize is…I shit my pants.”  Filled with faith in my courage she immediately gasped and said, “Wholly shit did you really?”  “No…not really…but if it had landed on my arm, instead of just dangling there; I make no promises.”  She then let the spider go, shaking it from the candy bar, in the driveway.

So long story short…I threw the bitch in gear and I ran the little bastard over…then I ate the candy bar.

Needless to say, I have a mite bit of arachnophobia, if you aren’t aware.  Our newest video on the YouTube channel has a bit of commentary on that fact.

~RCS

Lick ’em?  C’mere you crusty bastard, I’ll suck your dick if it means I get to avoid those cars!

Raptor Jesus? How About Monkey Jesus?

Do you have some talent at art?  Do you actually have said talent, or do you just think so?

No, no I’m not offering someone a job as an artist.  I’m just trying to figure out who might be a risk if we take a trip to a museum.

You see, in Zaragoza, Spain an 80-something year old woman saw that a portrait of Jesus painted onto a column at the local church was in disrepair.

This is what the painting on the column, done by Elias Garcia Martinez originally looked like:

Ecce Homo? So Jesus does support Homos, right?

But after around 100 years after it was painted, it has fallen into disrepair and looked something more like this…

Should’ve used permanent marker, instead of oil paint. That shit never comes off!

As you can see, that’s a bit rougher than the original was.  Here’s a side-by-side view of things:

Now, lo and behold, a woman in her 80s, Ms. Cecilia Giminez, came along and decided that she could fix the painting on her own.  So she bought some paints and started trying to touch up the painting.  After a while she decided that she should probably just give up and turn herself in.  What made her decide to turn herself in?  Probably when she stepped back from the column and realized she had done this:

“It looks like a child’s crayon drawing of a monkey in a ill-fitting tunic,” said one person, who we will call an art critic for lack of me bieng able to remember his name.

Needless to say there are differing accounts of what happened.  The local authorities claim she did it of her own accord, but she claims that the local clergy had given her their blessing to do the work and that she did it in broad daylight.

Either way everyone involved is in a pretty poor condition about it, especially Jesus by the looks of things.

~RCS

In case you were curious of the title…

I Pray You Find This Cute

The other day my fiancée and I were doing some grocery shopping in the late night/early morning timeframe.  When we came out to put the stuff in my van we found a new little friend waiting for us.  It was a Praying Mantis, only the second one I’ve ever seen in my life (aside from pictures in books and online, of course).

So we got some video of it, here’s us playing it and discussing our incredibly limited knowledge of Praying Mantisessses…uhh, Praying Manti?  What the hell is the plural for Mantis?  Well whatever; we don’t shit about them, but they’re cute little buggers (haha, buggers, get it?).

My fiance made me a deal, too.  I’d leave the audio in if I put up this video…watch it carefully as I give it a close up and it gives me an even-closer up.

~RCS

I’m willing to admit I screamed like a little bitch when it jumped at me, so what? =p

July Dick of the Month: Jamie Rohrs

When looking for Dick of the Month candidates I scour the internet, written media, television, youtube, all manner of sources.  This month I had it easy…I got this through word of mouth (well, e-mail) the other day.

It actually replaced my original July Dick of the Month (another corrupt teacher; this time it was for extorting her graduating students by making them pay $50 for a 5 cent photocopy, then stealing the entire year’s worth of fundraising to pay off gambling debts).

But who cares about extortion when you have MURDER! (Dun, dun, dunnn…)

That murder was the shooting in Aurora which I’ve spoken about, briefly, before.  Of course when I last talked about it, the news was talking about the victims and refusing to even say the name of the alleged killer.  I say alleged because it’s politically correct…well, that and I found this ‘article‘ amusing.

But now that you don’t hear anything about the victims and all you hear about is the killer, might as well remind every one of the victims.

Poor unfortunate souls like Veronica Moser-Sullivan, Jessica Ghawi, and Micayla Medek.  Heroic gents like Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn, and Alex Teves.  And the less media-friendly stories of Alexander Boik, Jesse Childress, Gordon Cowden, John Larimer, Alex Sullivan, and Rebecca Wingo.

So clearly the Dick of the Month is the killer, James Holmes, right?  Wrong-o, Bub.

Yeah, I’ve been watching the old X-Men cartoon on Netflix, so expect lots of Wolverine references in the coming weeks.

James Holmes was a psychotic douche bag, no doubt.  But I don’t just put you on the list because you’re a serial killer.  If I did I’d have the same few names every year: Bashar Al-Assad, Teodoro Obiang, Omar al-Bashir, Robert Mugabe, and Michael Szymancyk.

Alas, no, it is for extreme Dickery in the service, of oneself (which sounds like a very snobby solo-porno) that wins one a place in the Dick of the Month archives.  And that particular dick is a Mr. Jamie Rohrs.

We won’t even touch on the wonderful parents Mr. Rohrs and his fiancée, Patricia Legarreta were for taking a 4-year-old girl and a 3 month old boy to a movie theater for a midnight showing of the Dark Knight Rises, or how much of a dick this makes them both to the other people in the theater for bringing crying children into a theater at all.

Instead we’ll concentrate on what happened after the gunman broke into the theater, popped off two canisters of tear gas, and then opened fire into the crowd.

Ms. Legarreta was wounded in the leg by shrapnel and used her own body to cover her 4-year-old daughter.  It was at this moment that Mr. Rohrs leaped over the seats with the young 3-month-old boy.

Rohrs placed the boy on the ground and tried to quiet him down, but the loud explosions and screaming and hellish conditions were too much for the child and he kept crying.  So Rohrs did what any sensible father would do…ditched the kid and ran like hell.

Eventually Ms. Legarreta realized that the crying baby a few rows back was hers, so she gathered him up and held him under her body as well.

While his wounded fiancée was using her body to shield both children Rohrs escaped from the theater.  Luckily they had been in a second-floor balcony and Legarreta was able to escape with both children in tow.

She stumbled outside, only then discovering her wounded leg, and searched for Rohrs.  Rohrs…who had washed his hands of the whole situation, given up his fiancée and their children as dead, and driven away from the scene.

Whoa, you read that right folks…he not only ran like hell, but he also got into his car and drove away from the scene.  He didn’t try to help his loved ones (and I use the term sparingly) to escape, he didn’t wait to see if they survived, he didn’t even report their existence to police so that a search party could go in and look for them.

Special appreciation goes out to a Mr. Jarell Brooks who saw Legarreta and her kids and shielded them while they ran out of the theater.  Mr. Brooks was shot in the process of shielding, by the way.  Some folks he didn’t know and had never met before…he just leapt up and shielded them with his own body so that they could escape alive.

“I saw someone in distress.  I’m not the kind of person who would let them be in that situation and me selfishly trying to get myself out of the equation,” said Brooks, “All she’s trying to do is protect her kids, so I felt like if I could get her out, then maybe, I would have gotten out maybe I wouldn’t, as long as I know she was OK I was alright.”

And what did Ms. Legarreta’s fiance, the man she was raising two children with and planned to eventually marry, have to say?

Oh, right…

So for thoughtless cowardice, you Jamie Rohrs wins the award of July Dick of the Month.

~RCS

Now run back home with your new award and bury yourself with it, pussy.

June Dick of the Month: Justin Gatlin

The Olympics are just on the horizon…they will soon be overshadowing everything: The presidential election, the war(s) our country is in, the travesties in Syria, the Egyptian elections, and of course the war(s) we aren’t in, yet (I’m lookin’ at you Iran).

But first we have stories about people trying to qualify for the 2012 Olympics.

There’s some interesting stories, like the one about the South African man, Oscar Pistorius, born with no fibula bones in his legs trying to qualify on carbon-fiber blades.  There’s also the gentlemen from South Sudan whose country is not old enough to be included in the Olympics.

But those are all uplifting stories…and this is the Dick of the Month post.

Two women were trying to qualify for the women’s 100 meter dash and tied for third place.  They were an exact tie, which has apparently never happened before, so the Olympic rule-makers had to make new rules for just an occurrence.  The ladies in question were Allyson Felix and Jeneba Tarmoh.

They thought about a run-off or a coin-toss, perhaps some combination of the two.  But lo and behold we find there are some dischivalrous men on the American Olympic track teams.

His name is Justin Gatlin and he is representing the American team in the Olympics.  that’s right, an asshole like this pig is representing us, all while we talk about Saudi Arabia finally allowing women to compete in their name at all.

His idea on how to solve the problem was…

I’m not totally sure this is exactly the way he meant it.

That’s right…Jello-Wrestling.  He said, and I quote…

“I’m voting for Jell-O wrestling match. Red Jell-O. That’s my favorite.”

For his chauvinistic ways, Justin Gatlin wins this month’s Dick of the Month.  I kind of hope he loses every event he’s in.

~RCS

May Dick of the Month: Judge Lanny Moriarty

Judges are supposed to be pinnacles of unbiased decisions on the reading of laws and the constitution.  Laws are intended to uphold a certain quality of moral righteousness.  This is why, when we vote for judges, we generally expect them to have proper morals.

This isn’t always the case, though.  Sometimes they’re child abusers, sometimes they’ve accepted bribes to imprison innocent children, sometimes they sext married women pictures of their shirtless bodies (although to be fair: If I look that good at 55, I’m never wearing a shirt, not even in court).

But sometimes they’re just plain assholes, or you might even call them…Dicks.  This is one such case, where Judge Lanny Moriarty sent an 11th grader named Dia–

Wait a minute…Moriarty?  Who the hell elected the villain from the Sherlock Holmes series of books to be a judge?

Guilty! That is I am…so are you, I guess. Wanna share a cell?

Err, sorry, where was I?  Oh right, Dr. Moriarty sentenced 17-year-old Diane Tran, an honor student, to 1 day in jail and a $100 fine for truancy.

In case you don’t know what truancy is, you’ll find it’s a rather silly and poorly drawn-up set of laws that make going to school mandatory under punishment of fines and jail time.

For instance, in my home area if you were absent for more than 10 days in a row (i.e. two school weeks) you would be charged with truancy, which was an automatic $300 fine.  I also came from a pretty poor area, so let’s look at what that situation creates:

I drop out of school unofficially (in order to officially drop out you have to be 17, or be 16 with parental consent) and 10 days later you fine me for $300.  Now I have to get a full-time job to pay that off, which means I can’t go to school at all any more.  So every two weeks I get fined for another $300.

Minimum wage at the time was $5.15 an hour, so a full-time worker at minimum wage made only $317 every two weeks, after taxes.  So, if I dropped out at 16 without parental consent, that means that for the next year I have to live on $8.50 a week, working full-time to pay the stupid fines.  At least until I get arrested and put in jail.

Which brings us back to Ms. Tran, who mind you is taking Advanced Placement and College-In-High School courses and is still on the Honor Roll, also works a full-time job at a Dry Cleaner’s and works part-time for a place to hold weddings at.  She’s also homeless and lives with one of her employers.

She works so hard to pay for her older brother’s tuition at Texas A&M and to support her younger sister who lives with relatives nearby in Houston, Texas.

Dr. Moriarty admitted that he’s making an example of her, simply because she was late a few times to class and showed up after the first roll-call was taken.  She goes to school, then goes to the Dry Cleaner’s and works a few hours, then goes to the wedding venue and works a few more, then goes home and does all her homework.  She says she’s usually up until 2 in the morning doing homework, sometimes she doesn’t finish until 7am.

Yeah, she’s a real deviant.  Put her in jail so her brother gets thrown out of college and her little sister starves to death.  What the hell are we electing into office these days?  Moriarty is just like his Sherlockian villain counterpart, a heartless bourgeoisie oligarch who treads over the poor and laughs all the way to the bank where he cashes in his ridiculously large paycheck and probably gets a handful of kickbacks, too.

So, Judge Lanny Moriarty…you are May’s Dick of the Month.

~RCS

Missing Dicks of the Months?

So I was just doing some looking around and discovered that I made a mistake when uploading the Dick of the Month posts for May and June.  Turns out I uploaded them as drafts, not as Posts.  What does that mean?  It means you couldn’t read them.  So the coming week will be Dick of the Month Week.

Monday we’ll have May’s Dick of the Month.

Wednesday we’ll have June’s Dick of the Month.

And we’ll top it all off with July’s Dick of the Month on Friday!

Unless something goes terribly awry…like me uploading them wrong, again.

~RCS

Birthday

Just thought I would give everyone a head’s up that today was my birthday.
Last night my fiance and I had a little party with a few of her friends from work; although the party was wholly unrelated. We actually just scheduled the party last weekend for ‘next Tuesday’.
The party had been going on for a few hours before I realized it was my birthday.

Birthdays change a lot between childhood and adulthood. As a child I’d receive numerous gifts and as I got older they got better.
This year my futute grandmother-in-law sent me $10 which made my fiance realize that she’d almost forgotten it was my birthday. That’s all I’ve got; although my mother uaually gives me an amazon.com gift card in December for my birthday, then another on February for christmas, so that’ll add to it.
But here’s the biggest difference: I don’t care. When I was a child I used to count halves of ages and almosts, gonna bes, and going ons.
“I’m 3 and a half years old!”
“I’m almost 4 years old, now.”
“I’m 5, but I’m gonna be 6 in 8 months!”
Now somebody asks me how old I am and I don’t even know the answer anymore.
“So how old are ya now, you fine, strapping young buck,” no one ever says to me.
“Well…I can drive, so I’m over 16, I can vote so I’ve gotta be over 18. They let me buy booze and own a handgun (which is a bad combination) so I have to be over 21. But I can’t collect Social Security…so I’m not 65, yet.”
The average of 21 and 65 is 43, so now I think I’ll just start telling people I’m 43.

~RCS

It’s all good until they stop saying, “You look good for your age,” I guess.

Update: Well my phone’s a piece of shit…I posted this from my phone yesterday night (my actual birhday) from work and the phone told me it uploaded it.  Until I actually came home and looked and it was n unfinished draft.  I had to rewrite it and republish it.  Don’t buy the Huawei Ascend, folks…it does this kind of stuff to me constantly.  Huawei = Chinese for Junk.

Movie Trailers

I’ve been seeing a few movie trailers on Youtube lately, mostly as ads while I wait for whatever I’m actually trying to see.  A few of them made an impression on me.

Hit and Run

Starring: Dax Shepard, Bradley Cooper, Kristen Bell, and Tom Arnold

This trailer starts off kind of cute then turns into what looks like a raunchy crime comedy.  Complete with Prison Rape Jokes, which I’ve mentioned liking before, so I’d say that Daniel Tosh should definitely like this movie.

And I don’t care what people say, I find Tom Arnold funny; especially as a Witness Protection Agent.  It was written by Dax Shepard (the star, also of Let’s Go To Prison fame), so that might be interesting to see.

 

Hotel Transylvania

Starring (voices): Selena Gomez, Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi, and Kevin James

This is an animated piece that looks akin to Despicable Me style.  It’s being directed by Genndy Tartakovsky of Dexter’s Lab, Samurai Jack, and Powerpuff Girls fame.  It’s got an all-star cast with the likes of Cee-Lo Green, Adam Samberg, Fran Drescher, Molly Shannon, and Jon Lovitz for the supporting cast.  Selena Gomez plays a teen-age vampires named Mavis and her father, Dracula, is played by Adam Sandler.  It’s an animated feature and the trailer is basically Mavis singing a rewritten version of Carly Rae Jepson’s Call Me Maybe.  Looks cute, might have merit; I like when Dracula hands the invisible man (played by David Spade) a piece of bacon and then the invisible man gets mauled by a bunch of baby werewolves.

 

Total Recall

Starring: Arno—err, Colin Farrell, Jessica Biel, and Kate Beckinsale.

Really?  I wasn’t impressed that were remaking this film, but the trailer is probably the most underwhelming movie preview I’ve sever seen in my life.  It looks like they took the main plot from the original Total Recall, put it in the world of The Fifth Element, took out the character emotion and the shock-inducing interesting parts like a three-breasted woman and then shit on it.

When it comes out, I think I might watch the original movie just out of spite.

 

Here Comes the Boom

Starring: Kevin James, Salma Hayek

A story about a High School teacher at a school that decides to cut all extra-curricular activities due to funding difficulties.  Kevin James (King of Queens and Paul Blart: Mall Cop) plays said teacher who decides that he will join the UFC to win the money for the school.  Kevin James beefs up for the role, it looks, and the previews show him getting his ass kicked a lot.  So even if you don’t like Kevin James’ comedy stylings, you could watch it (maybe backwards) and just watch him get his ass handed to him repeatedly.

I’m a big MMA fan so I like the idea; it’s a pretty interesting spin on the old teacher does something off-putting to raise money for the school/students that he/she loves so much.  I also like to see Bas Rutten sitting around with a beer watching the UFC like a normal guy; I’m not sure why.

 

I’m looking forward to a few of them (clearly not the Total Recall remake), and I think that Hotel Transylvania movie looks kind of cute.  And I’m not just saying that because I’m writing a story wherein a female vampire and a male human fall in love, myself.

~RCS

Wow, two flicks with Kevin James?